


Black and white

by jessie11



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Absent Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Cheating, Child Prodigy, Clexa, College Student Clarke Griffin, Drinking, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Falling In Love, Parent Death, Past Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Pianist Lexa (The 100), Pressure, Sharing a Room, Supportive Abby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:31:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 38,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12915795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessie11/pseuds/jessie11
Summary: Clarke wants to be anywhere but home after Finn cheated on her. She doesn't really have a place to stay, until she ends up at Lexa's house. Clarke and her friends don't really like Lexa, but they tolerate her. Everything changes once Clarke starts to find out that Lexa is more than the bored, expressionless girl they assumed she was. And Lexa? Maybe she likes the blonde more than she wants to admit.





	1. Chapter 1

Clarke slowly opens her eyes. Someone is knocking on her door and disturbing her in her sleep. After looking on her phone and seeing it is already 3 pm, she knows she has no right to be angry with whoever is at her door. That doesn’t take away from the fact that someone has woken her up from a really good nap. 

"Go away!" 

She turns around again and tries to go back to sleep. Maybe if she sleeps long enough, she will wake up a few weeks later without remembering anything. That is one thing she wants more than sleep; to forget. She knew her relationship with Finn wasn’t the easiest. They fought a lot and couldn’t really agree on anything, but she loved him. Loves him, maybe. She wasn’t ready for it to be over. For instance, she still wanted to go on a road trip with him, despite knowing it would turn in one big fight. She had planned to show him a new gallery in another part of the city. All those plans gone. Sure, she could go alone to that gallery, but she had hope that Finn would have liked that one. 

She feels the tears starting to well up in her eyes again, so she blinks a few times in the hope to get rid of them. Meanwhile, the knocking continues. 

"Nobody is here!" she shouts, hoping she would be left alone again. 

She hears whispers behind the door and she immediately knows who it is. Raven and Octavia, the last two people she wants to see right now.  
"Go away!" Clarke tries again. However, they don’t stop knocking. 

"We know you are there, Clarke!" Octavia has stopped knocking and started shouting.  
Raven follows her lead and starts shouting too for Clarke to open the door.  
Clarke sighs and rolls off the comfortable couch. With shuffling feet she walks to the door. She takes a deep breath and opens the door a bit, so she can look into the hallway, where Raven and Octavia are standing, through a crack. 

"Clarke!" Raven’s tone is excited, despite her concerned look. Octavia only waves. 

Just the sight of her friends standing in the hallway causes her tears to return. Clarke tries her best to hide them, but she knows it is useless. Maybe she just really needs to cry hard for a long period of time. She decides fighting against them isn’t going to help, so she lets her tears fall. 

Octavia immediately pushes the door further open and gives Clarke a hug. Clarke falls in the embrace and sobs on Octavia’s shoulders while Raven rubs her back in a comforting manner.  
"We heard from Bellamy what happened. Why didn’t you call us?"  
Clarke knows Raven doesn’t mean it, but she sounds offended. It only makes Clarke cry harder. The last thing she wants is to neglect her friends because of a boyfriend.  
"I just wanted to be alone," she sobs incomprehensibly. 

Now that her friends are here, she doubts if she really wanted to be alone or if it just was the easier option. When she is alone, she can pretend that this isn’t happening. Like her relationship of four years hasn’t ended because the assumed love of her life cheated on her. More than once, like she was nothing to him. Just a warm body in his bed, so he didn’t have to sleep in a cold and uncomfortable bed. She often cooked for him, because she thought he loved her. He probably came home to eat after sleeping with another girl. Her mind keeps on racing with all the times Finn probably cheated on her and she had no clue. This only makes her cry harder. 

"Sshh," Octavia tries to soothe her. She starts to move to the couch, taking Clarke with her.  
Once Clarke is wrapped in a blanket on the couch, the tears start to disappear. Her throat is sore of all the crying and she barely has a voice, but she tries to talk. She has to give Raven and Octavia some information about what happened. 

"He cheated."  
"We know, babe." Raven’s hand returns to its place on her back.  
"I found them together," Clarke continues with a hoarse voice. "I came home from a lecture and she sat on the kitchen counter while making out." Her eyes go to the kitchen and she realises she can never look at her kitchen without thinking of him with her. "I want a new kitchen."  
Raven and Octavia can’t help but giggle. 

"Maybe I can ask Lincoln to paint the kitchen, it will look different," Octavia suggests. 

Clarke just shrugs. She likes her kitchen a lot. It took her a long time to decide how she wanted it. It was their first step into real adulthood. First the kitchen and then the bathroom, so their apartment would be worth more when they decided to move. They had decided to redecorate their apartment a bit in order to be able to afford a bigger house once they wanted to have children. Last week she had these big plans for her future with Finn, and now, a week later, she doesn’t have anything. She is alone in the apartment with too many memories of her relationship with Finn. Everything started to remind her of Finn. The paint drops on the floor, because he isn’t really as good in painting as her, or the stain on the couch, which was caused by a strawberry and a intense make-out session. 

Octavia seems to notice her thoughts. "Why don’t we go out tonight?"  
Raven never turns down a night out and immediately agrees.  
"I don’t know, guys," Clarke starts hesitant. "I really want to lay on this couch and watch series while I stuff my face with junk food."  
"You can get fat another time."  
Octavia nods. "And sitting around while staring at everything that reminds you of him, isn’t exactly healthy."  
Clarke keeps getting surprised by how well her friends know her. "Maybe you’re right."  
"Like hell we are!"Raven stands up and pulls Clarke with her. "Take a shower and put on your sexiest dress. You are getting laid!"  
Octavia agrees. "Nothing better than a good rebound." 

XXX 

"Clarke, are you coming?" Raven asks for the tenth time that evening.  
However, she doesn’t want to go home. The night was just starting to become fun. The alcohol makes her forget and that is all she wants. What she doesn’t want is going home to be alone with her thoughts. Drowning in alcohol in a bar is not as bad as drowning in alcohol alone at home. It has been two months since the break-up and everything still reminds her of Finn. They agreed she can stay in the apartment until she has found something else. After she has moved out, they will sell the house and share whatever they get for it. However, right now she is still living in their home with their stuff. Nothing is really hers. They bought everything together in the three years that they lived there. She doesn’t want to go back there, so she takes another shot and ignores her friends disapproving looks. 

Octavia decides to give it another try. "Come on Clarke. It is late, we are going home."  
Clarke just shakes her head. "I don’t want to go home."  
Their disapproving looks turn into looks of pity. "He isn’t worth it. Just come with us before you do something you will definitely regret tomorrow."  
"Why does he get to sleep around, while I am not even allowed to have one night of fun."  
Raven is quick to answer. "Because you are a decent and responsible person and Finn is a dick."  
Octavia giggles. They are not sober enough to take Clarke’s self-destructive behaviour seriously. 

Clarke just shrugs and starts moving away. She is trying to get eye contact with a hot girl across the bar. She has blonde hair, which is definitely fake. Although, that isn’t what gets Clarke attention. It is her impressive decolleté. She notices she isn’t the only one who can’t stop staring. She, however, has one advantage over the rest of the other boys and some girls in the bar; the girl is looking back at her.  
Clarke smirks at her. The girl waves back at her. This doesn’t go unnoticed by her friends and they shake their heads disapprovingly. 

"We are going. Bye Clarke," Raven says. She is obviously done with her. Octavia seems to hesitate, but eventually decides to follow Raven and the rest of their friends out of the bar. 

Clarke waves sarcastically at them. She sees Octavia roll her eyes, but she isn’t in the state to care about the opinion of her friends. She wants to forget, so she downs another drink and moves in the direction of the girl. She is almost next to her, when a sudden wave of dizziness overwhelms her. A bit panicked she grabs the first stranger nearest too her. 

"Wow, hi there," she hears a smug voice say. She feels his hand go lower towards her ass.  
Clarke shakes her head. "Hands off," she slurs.  
He doesn’t react and his hands continue going lower. She wants to push him away, but she has lost her coordination to do this effectively. He just chuckles and starts moving her to the exit. Luckily, he is also pretty drunk and can’t walk in a straight line. The moment he loses his balance, Clarke pushes him away for real this time and makes a beeline for the bar. She needs another drink. 

XXX 

Everything is turning. Clarke knows she has drunk too much, but she is in no state to really worry about that. She hasn't drunk this much since her break-up with Finn. In fact, the only time she can remember being this drunk is when she turned 21 and they went to a bar legally for the first time. 

'Maybe I should go home," she mumbles to herself. 

She has no idea how she is going to the place she has been avoiding the last two months. If she has enough money, she can get a cab. It is, however, most likely she spent all her money on booze. 

The first step in going home is leaving the bar, which is harder than she expected. The bar seems to have turned into a carrousel and it is as if everyone suddenly has a twin. People start pushing her away when she bumps into them accidently, which only makes walking more difficult. 

"Sorry," she keeps on slurring. 

The exit is getting closer and closer. It is almost like she can feel the fresh air already. She didn't know she needed fresh air this much. The craving for fresh air is as strong as her craving for alcohol an hour ago. 

Finally, she has reached the door, but other guests are blocking the exit. 

"Move!" She snaps. 

Not just because she wants to breath air that doesn't smell of sweat and bear, but also because she feels a wave of nausea hit her and she doesn't want to throw up in the middle of a bar. That happened to Octavia once and Clarke really wants to spare herself the embarrassment. Besides, throwing up in something other than a toilet or maybe even an alley is messy. She is surprisingly clean after a night in a bar and she doesn't want to change that. 

Luckily, the other guests seem to notice her nausea and move out of her way. Clarke immediately pushes open the door and lets the cool air surround her. It helps her sober up for a few seconds before the nausea hits her again and she feels vomit rising. 

As fast as possible she moves to the nearest wall and throws up. She starts crying as soon as vomit leaves her mouth. Her tears mix with sweat and the piece of vomit in the corner of her mouth. She doesn't see it, but she knows she has vomit in her hair. 

She plants her hand against the wall and keeps panting in the hope to get her breathing back to normal. The taste of vomit is still strong in her mouth and it almost makes her puke again. In her drunken daze she wonders how she got so low. Just because Finn cheated on her, she has fallen in a downwards spiral. Enough people get cheated on and they don't give in to the temptation of alcohol. Why does she? She never really saw herself as an alcoholic, because that is what she is. Right? Drinking to forget. That is what alcoholics do. She may not be at home alone with a bottle of vodka, but she is alone in a bar with too many beer bottles. That puts her on the spectrum of alcoholism. 

She doesn't have much time to think about it, because the next wave of nausea hits her. Before she knows it, she is throwing up again. Only this time is different. A soothing hand is on her back and her hair is pulled back. Whoever is helping her clearly doesn't care about the vomit in her hair. 

Clarke is too busy with throwing up to wonder who is helping her. She knows it isn't Octavia or Raven. Not only they left a few hours ago, the hand on her back also feels different. She doesn't know that hand. 

She spits a feel times to get rid of the last bit of vomit in her mouth, before she turns around. Her eyes widen when she sees who has been helping her. 

"Lexa?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> I hope you liked the first chapter! I have already planned out most of the story, so the next few chapters should be coming out soon.  
> If I made any mistakes, please point them out for me. I also really appreciate your kudos and comments, so let me know if I'm on the right track with this story.  
> xxx


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Second chapter already. 
> 
> TW: there is mention of rape. Nothing happens and nothing has happened. It is only mentioned briefly, but I still felt like I should give you guys a heads up just in case. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Clarke notices two things when she wakes up. One, the sounds she hears are different from when she wakes up in her own bed. Two, the bed is warm like it used to be when Finn still slept in her bed. Clarke wills herself not to panic. This isn't her first one-night stand she has had in the last two months. Although, this one is different. She usually wakes up alone, because she sent whoever she dragged home with her away afterwards, and she is always at her own home. This is definitely not her home. Carefully, she opens her eyes to confirm where she is. 

Not at home. 

Her face is almost pressed against a white wall. Her own bedroom doesn't have white paint and her bed stands in the middle of the room, so it is impossible to be pressed against a wall. Clarke wants to turn around to see with whom she is sharing her bed. Her terrible hangover prevents her from doing so. The throbbing headache makes her close her eyes again. Without looking she tries to identify the stranger next to her. She doesn't smell anything like aftershave. It is something sweeter. She likes the smell from the assumed woman. 

Her growing headache makes it hard to think. It doesn't matter how hard she tries, she can't remember the end of the night. The only thing she remembers is drinking too much after some guy tried to feel her up. She feels even more sick thinking about that. The incident had made her forget about the pretty blonde girl. From what she can remember, she didn't talk to the girl. She just sat at the bar and drank more and more. Clarke doesn't remember much, but she is sure she didn't go home with the pretty girl. The big gap in her memories and the headache caused by her hangover make her even more dizzy. 

Clarke brings her hands up to rub at her eyes. She immediately notices she doesn't smell anything sex-related. If she really thinks about it, she can feel the clothes she has on. Slowly, she pulls the blankets away a bit and sees that she has, indeed, clothes on. Her dress from last night has been removed, but she still has her bra and panties on. On top of that she wears a big shirt of a band she doesn't know. Is it possible she didn't have sex with the stranger beside he? An incredible amount of relieve washes over her. Of course, she enjoys sex. What she doesn't enjoy is the feeling of regret she has once her mind is clear again. Using someone for her own gain isn't something she ever saw herself doing, but is has happened more than once the past months. The rebound of the night she broke up with Finn is something she has accepted. The rest is still a lingering at the back of her mind, where she pushes it in the hope to forget. That never happens, unless she drinks herself in a stupor, which she clearly did last night. 

Usually when she drinks that much, she has sex or she passes out. Clarke sincerely hopes she didn't pass out while they had sex. She doesn't want that to happen to anyone. It isn't only embarrassing for herself, it is also quite an insult to her one-night stand. However, with her clothes still on while sharing a bed, that is the most plausible explanation for her situation. 

Clarke is torn between wanting to flee the scene before the stranger next to her wakes up and waking her up herself so she can apologies. She doesn't really have a choice when she feels the person next to her starting to wake up. Clarke eyes widen and her hangover seems to be magically cured. The last thing she wants right now is to meet the one-night stand she has no recollection of. So, she does what she does best and avoids a difficult situation. Quickly, she closes her eyes again and pretends to be asleep. She doesn't care if she has to pretend to be asleep for hours. This way, the stranger will have to make the first move in handling this plainly awkward situation. Maybe she will fall asleep again and her hangover will have disappeared once she wakes up again. 

That would be the most ideal situation, so of course it doesn't happen. Instead, the curtains are pulled open and suddenly the room is full of sunlight. Her headache only increases and Clarke squints her eyes. 

"Wake up, sunshine," she hears a gruff voice say. 

She knows that voice. Her suppressed internal panic returns at full force. This can't be possible, right? She hasn't slept in the same bed as Lexa. That just isn't possible. She can't stand Lexa. The only thing she does is roll her eyes and tear everyone down likes she knows everything better. If it was possible, she wouldn't interact with Lexa at all. She, however, is friends with Lincoln. Since Lincoln and Octavia got together, Lexa has been a stable and highly unwanted presence in her life. How someone as sweet and loving as Lincoln can be friends with someone like Lexa, is still a miracle to Clarke. 

Lexa sighs irritated. "I know you are awake, so stop pretending." 

Clarke feels herself starting to blush. Ashamed, she opens her eyes. The first thing she sees is Lexa standing in front of the window. The sunlight is sharp, so Clarke is only able to see Lexa's silhouette, which already makes her nervous and she hasn't even seen her face, which is most likely looking very angry. 

Lexa is standing with her arms crossed and everything about her posture screams impatient and irritated. Clarke decides to follow Lexa's orders and sits up, carefully like Lexa can strangle her at any moment. 

Another frustrated sigh. 

"You are annoying when you are drunk," Lexa tells her without batting an eyelash and more important, without a teasing tone. "Please don't ever disturb me again when you're drunk." 

Clarke throws the blanket off her, while Lexa leaves her bedroom. The one-sided conversation is clearly over. This gives Clarke the chance to look around. She notices Lexa's bedroom isn't really a bedroom. Her bed is separated from the rest of the house, but there isn't really a door, which makes it easy for her to look at the rest of the house. 

Lexa lives in a cozy studio. There is a big blue armchair with a small pale-yellow table beside it. The only other things in the studio are a closet, table with a office chair and a normal chair and a small kitchen block. There isn't room for more. It is not what she had expected from Lexa. She had expected something dark and broody, like Lexa. Not the kind of stylish and light interior she is seeing. 

"Done with your inspection?" 

Clarke feels the surprised feeling starting to fade away, making room for her loathing of Lexa.   
"I was only taking in my surroundings," Clarke defends herself.   
She doesn't want Lexa to see that she is curious about her. Lexa doesn't deserve that kind of satisfaction. 

Lexa rolls her eyes. "Really? It looked more like looking for a way out." 

Clarke immediately wants to reply to continue defending herself, but Lexa turns away again and stands in front of the kitchen block, where she isn't able to see Clarke. 

Clarke follows her without thinking about it. "Do I need a way out?" she asks accusingly. 

Lexa puts down the kettle she was filling. "What are you trying to say, Clarke?" Her tone is bored, like she rather be anywhere than here. 

Her green eyes, however, seem to have turned red from the fire that is currently burning in them. Clarke wants to cower, but she forces herself to stand straight. She knows she was way out of line when she accused Lexa, but she isn't going to admit that. 

"I don't know, you tell me." 

That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Where Lexa's eyes where first burning, they now seemed to have explode. This time, Clarke can't stop herself from shrinking. 

"You are seriously accusing me of rape?" 

Clarke just shrugs. By hearing the disbelief in Lexa's voice, she knows she was wrong to even think that Lexa would do anything to her. But waking up in a strange bed with an assumed stranger put her on edge. The panic has disappeared. The only thing she feels right now is shame and regret from just being here and accusing Lexa of something she would never do. 

"No," Clarke answers without conviction. She cringes at her own tone. It still sounds like she is blaming Lexa for something she didn't do. 

Lexa seems to drop the argument and only shakes her head, while she continues to make tea. 

Clarke doesn't know what to do. The argument is obviously over, but she can't get herself to leave. Something compels her to stay. It is not because she feels guilty. She can live with that, she had to learn to live with that. It is as if she is watching an exciting sports match. She doesn't really care about sports, but she keeps watching in order to find out how it ends. She wants to know the end of this argument. Even though, they have stopped talking, their argument is far from over. She feels it. It is like there is still something boiling inside her. Clarke takes a seat in the big armchair. 

If Lexa is surprised by her actions, she doesn't show it. It gives Clarke the opportunity the watch Lexa. Her normally styled brown hair was curlier than she has ever seen. Her face was clean of any make-up. Without the eye-liner Clarke is able to really see her green eyes, and they are beautiful, which was something she never really thought of. If she even thought about Lexa, her mind immediately went to the things Lexa did that she disliked. She never really cared enough to pay attention to her beautiful eyes. 

There was also a certain elegance in the way she moves. Despite her obvious anger, she moved with grace. Her shoulders are hold straight like she wants to slouch, but has been taught not to. Clarke doesn't stop watching her. She is sure Lexa has noticed by now, but she still doesn't mention it. That is how their strange morning goes from then on.   
Lexa makes tea for Clarke.   
They don't mention it.   
Lexa puts bread in the toaster for her.   
They don't mention it.   
Clarke puts the dishes in the dishwasher.   
They don't mention it. 

Lexa takes a seat at her office chair by the table and Clarke returns to the armchair. They are silent like seasoned businessman who both don't want to make the first move, because it will weaken their position. Clarke starts to wonder if she will be here all day until Lexa goes to bed again and she is thrown out. She notices Lexa doesn't have a clock in her flat, but she is sure she has sat there for almost an hour without really saying or doing anything. She has no idea if it is because she can't stop watching Lexa or because her hangover makes it hard to really do anything. Of course, she blames her hangover. 

Suddenly Lexa clears her throat. "Nothing happened." 

Clarke doesn't need in explanation. Lexa has only spoken two words, but she has said so much more. Nothing happened as in you are forgiven, as in you can trust me. 

"I know." 

 

XXX 

"Where did you stay?" Octavia askes curiously. 

Clarke has a girls night with Octavia and Raven like they have done since middle school. They are hanging on the couch with too much junk food around them and a bad rom com playing on the television. Since her night with Lexa she hasn't drunk that much anymore. It was like a wake-up call. A very strange wake-up call. 

Clarke knows exactly what Octavia is talking about. She knows Octavia and Raven know she didn't return to her house that night. Apparently, they went to check on her the next morning to see how bad her hangover was. "To take care of you", they explained, although Clarke knows they secretly wanted to see how bad her hangover was as a sort of payback. 

"When?" 

"When you were too fucked-up to know you should have gone home," Raven replies more direct than Octavia ever would. She almost sounds like Lexa. 

"Last Saturday," Octavia adds quickly. She wants answers from Clarke and she knows the last thing you need to do if you want answers, is to anger Clarke. 

Clarke pretends to think about it for a while. "I stayed with someone else, " she tries to answer as casually as possible. 

This peaks their interest of course, and they spontaneously forget the movie and turn to Clarke. "Who is it?" Raven asked excited. It is well known that Clarke never goes to someone else's house. This change in routine clearly means something. 

Clarke shrugs. "Nobody." 

She pretends to be really interested in the movie again. The images move before her eyes, but she doesn't really register it. She still feels Raven and Octavia's eyes on her, while her thoughts go back to last Saturday. After she admitted she knew that nothing happened, the silence returned. Only it was less tense. Lexa continued her day like she normally would and by doing so, she let Clarke know her presence was no longer appreciated. If it ever was. The message was clear, so Clarke changed out of her shirt and put her dress back on and left Lexa's studio with a quiet thank you and goodbye. Lexa barely looked up from her laptop. 

Clarke cringed at the reminder of her walk of shame, which wasn't really a walk of shame. It has almost been a week and she hasn't heard anything from Lexa. Not that she expected Lexa to contact her. Maybe to demand Clarke payed for her stay at her studio, but nothing more. 

"Come on, Clarke," Raven probes. "Who was it?" 

Clarke sees their curious eyes and knows they won't let it go until she has told them anything. Since her break-up with Finn she has told them everything, because she feels like she owns them that. They never left her alone on a bad day and got her to leave the house, or they brought her ice-cream when she really needed to eat her emotions away while watching a bad movie. Just like tonight. So Clarke got over herself and decided to have no more secrets from her friends. They may get bored from her one-night stand stories, but they listen to her every time. So why should so keep this from them? 

"I stayed over at Lexa's." 

Raven and Octavia look at her with their mouths open. 

"You are kidding, right?" Octavia asks tentatively. 

Raven nods as if that explains everything. "Octavia is right, you are kidding. Not your best joke, Griffin." 

Clarke doesn't look at them when she explains that it is no joke and that she stayed over at Lexa's. She takes about the tense atmosphere from that morning, but she doesn't give away anything about their conversation. That seems private and she feels still a bit ashamed of her accusations. Most important, she emphasizes that they didn't sleep together. They slept in the same bed, but they didn't have sex. 

"You have officially lost it Clarke," Raven says while shaking her head. 

Octavia and Raven launch into a new discussion about whether sleeping in the same bed still counts as sex. Clarke doesn't really participate. She already feels her skin starting to itch again by just looking around her apartment. At first, she hated all the things that reminded her of Finn, but now she just hates the apartment at general. It is too big, but at the same time too small. The furniture doesn't really seem to fit anymore and Clarke really wants to move out. 

Maybe she can move to a studio like Lexa's. She doesn't admit it, but she liked it there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, you liked the second chapter.   
> I don't really have a schedule for publishing the chapters. The plan is to give you guys at least one chapter every two weeks, but sometimes I just feel like writing, so you can also expect chapters at random moments. 
> 
> Let me guys know what you think. Kudos, comments etc. 
> 
> xxx


	3. Chapter 3

Living with her mother was nothing like it used to be. When she was younger, she didn't even want to move to the dorms. She loved living with Abby, but she quickly learned that the things she loved before college, aren't the same things she loves now. Her mother used to dote on her, and she thought she would always love that. It turns out she started to hate it. She is used to her independence. Sure, she lived with Finn, but he never really gave her a disapproving look when she was in her pajamas all day. The roles were often reversed and she would be the one to tell Finn to finally do something. 

The first week after she had moved in she appreciated that her mother would cook every day, but even that started to change. Her mother wanted to eat at 6 o'clock on the dot, something Clarke hadn't done in years. Most of the time she was busy with schoolwork and would eat much later. She longed for her independence. If it were up to her, she wouldn't have sold the apartment. However, they got an offer on the apartment that she simply couldn't refuse. She had thought about refusing, but Finn quickly pressured her to accept. So she did, hence the reason she was roofless. Clarke didn't expect that finding a new flat would be so difficult. She had no other choice than to move in her old house again six weeks ago. 

"Clarke!" her mother shouted from downstairs. 

Clarke closed her eyes with a frustrated huff. "Coming!"  
She felt like a teenager again when she runs down the stairs for dinner. 

Abby smiles brightly at her once she sees Clarke entering the kitchen. "Don't forget to wash your hands, honey." 

Clarke can't help but chuckle. "Mom, I'm not five anymore." 

Abby just shrugs while she sets the table. It surprises Clarke she hasn't been asked to help her. They both take a seat once everything is on the table. Dinner isn't really a boring event, but is definitly isn't very entertaining. They talk about their day like they do every day. In moments like these, she misses her dad. Or more the idea of her dad. She was very young when he died, but her mother always tells her about how he was able to crack a joke at every possible moment. Sometimes she misses someone like that. Of course, she loves her mom, but she is quite serious. She meets enough serious people in college. Med-students aren't the most outgoing types, which is probably why Abby, as a doctor, is also a bit too serious for Clarke's likening. They finish their dinner while the conversation continues to flow easily. 

"Do you have any plans for the evening?" Abby asks interested while they do the dishes. 

Clarke puts the plates away, before she answers. "I'm going to Lincoln's party." 

Abby thinks about it for a second. "Who is Lincoln, again?" 

Clarke sighs inaudible. Somehow her mother is unable to remember who Lincoln is. Clarke has lost count of how many times her mom has asked that question. "Octavia's boyfriend." She knows what her mother's next question is going to be, so she already answers. "The party is in the bar where he works. I'm staying with Raven tonight." 

The last part is a lie. Raven doesn't know about anything, but she saw her mother open her mouth and she knows her mom. The last thing she wants as a grown-up is a curfew. Staying with Raven was the first excuse that she could come up with. Besides, her mother lives in the suburbs, so sleeping over at Raven's would safe her from a 45-minute drive with a taxi. That's another reason why she rather moves out again. When she first started college, she couldn't wait to go back to the quiet suburbs. That definitly has changed. She is used to the fast speed of the city, and her mom's house is too far removed from the city centre to really enjoy her life like she used to do. That is exactly the reason why she is looking forward to the party tonight. Finally, she can be a student again. 

"Sounds like fun," her mother concludes. 

XXX 

The party turns out to be less fun than she had thought it would be. Raven didn't even show up because she stayed home sick and Octavia only has eyes for Lincoln. Sure, she knows more people than just Octavia and Raven, but she doesn't really feel like talking to them. The most logical choice for her would be to join Monty and Jasper and his new girlfriend Maya, but she saw earlier that they were making their infamous Moonshine. She would kill to down a few shots of moonshine, but she has learned from the past few months. She is lonely and is starting to miss Finn, which leads to her drinking too much. There wasn't a party where they didn't go together, so she isn't used to being alone at parties. Since her break-up with Finn, she started to drink when she felt lonely. However, she is done with the drinking and one-night stands. At least, she hopes she is. 

Clarke watches a few games of beer pong just to have something to do until it is an appropriate time to leave. Thinking about leaving, she begins to realize she doesn't really have a place to go. Raven isn't an option anymore, and she hasn't enough money with her to pay a cab, again. The last time this happened, she stayed with Lexa. Since that isn't an option, the most logical solution would be to return home to her mom, but to be fair, she doesn't want to go home. Despite the party being somewhat boring, she feels like a college student again and not like a high schooler, like she does at home. She is definitely not going home. Maybe she can stay with Octavia. 

Her eyes roam over the bar to search for Octavia. She doesn't spot her, but she immediately recognizes Lincoln. He is hard to miss. Clark starts moving through the crowd, which goes a lot easier when she isn't drunk. Luckily, Octavia and Lincoln have stopped their constant make-out session. 

"Octavia!" Clarke tries to get her attention. 

Octavia reluctantly averts her eyes from Lincoln. "Clarke, what's up?" 

Clarke tries to look as sweet as possible. She feels like a child asking his mother for another cookie. "I was supposed to go home with Raven, but she is sick. Is it okay if I stay with you guys tonight?" 

She tries to hide it, but Clarke immediately sees the hesitant look she gives Lincoln. As sweet as Lincoln is, he just shrugs to let Octavia know it is fine with him. Clarke feels herself starting to blush. It was stupid to think she could stay with Lincoln and Octavia. Of course, they have other plans. Plans she doesn't want to hear. 

"Clarke," Octavia starts cautious. 

Clarke shakes her head. "No, it is fine," she interrupts her. "I understand." And she does. There were enough times when she was with Finn that she didn't want anyone to stay over at her place too. 

"Maybe you can stay with Monty?" 

"Yeah," Clarke replies, already knowing that isn't going to happen. She has known Monty for a few years now, but she isn't close enough with him to ask him if she could sleep at his place. 

A teasing smile appears on Octavia's face. "Maybe you can stay at Lexa's again?" 

Lincoln looks at Octavia and then at Clarke. "Lexa?" 

"Nothing," Clarke tries to downgrade it. Knowing Octavia, she is going to blow the whole thing out of proportion, and rumors will start to spread. It surprises her Lincoln doesn't already know. She actually thought Octavia would have told everyone. Clarke is relieved she hasn't. Lexa doesn’t really seem like the type that likes to have rumors spread about her. She would probably blame Clarke for it. Maybe Clarke is to be blamed, because she told Octavia and Raven, which makes it even a bigger problem. 

"It was nothing," she says again, this time directly to Octavia. A playful glint in her eyes. 

Octavia laughs and shakes her head. Clarke just chuckles and turns around to leave the couple alone, but not before she sticks her tongue out at Octavia. This only makes Octavia laugh harder. 

Clarke walks away with a smile on her face. She doesn't want Octavia to make things bigger than they are, but she did enjoy her teasing. It has been a long time since her friends felt like they didn't have to walk on eggshells around her. They tried to hide it, but it was obvious they did their best not to say the wrong things and make Clarke cry. There was a time when that was definitely necessary. She has had her fair share of spontaneous crying because she missed Finn, or because she hated him. Looking back, Clarke realizes everything used to be about Finn. She feels ashamed thinking about it, but she quickly pushes those thoughts away. Sad thoughts lead to alcohol, and alcohol leads to bad decisions and she is done with those. 

Clarke decides to go outside for a while, to prevent herself from making those bad choices. The ashamed feeling has turned into pride. She is proud of herself for the last half year. She has come to know herself in a way she never thought possible. She knows what she needs when certain situations arise, and right now, she just needs some fresh air and silence. With a relieved sigh and a smile on her face she pushes to door open. Her smile instantly disappears once she is outside. 

"What has you smiling like a creep?" 

Clarke looks at the direction the familiar voice is coming from, and indeed, Lexa is leaning against the wall of the alley. She is in her usual black jeans and leather jacket. 

"Nothing special, am I not allowed to smile?" 

Lexa shrugs. "I haven't seen you smiling a lot lately." 

This catches Clark off guard. "What?" she blurts out. 

"Don't make this awkward, princess." 

Lexa said not to make it awkward, but Clarke can't stop the silence from returning. A few minutes ago, she longed for a quiet moment, but that has drastically changed. The silence isn't very unpleasant, but it is definitely not pleasant either. They stand opposite of each other. Clarke's eyes move from Lexa's eyes to the ground and back again. Lexa doesn't even spare Clarke a glance. She is either focused on the bottle in her hand or the container at the back of the alley. 

Lexa is the first to break the tense silence. "Can you leave?" 

Clarke eyes shoot up to her face again. "Why?" 

"I was here first." 

Clarke snorts. "Really? You go for I was here first. How old are you?" 

Lexa only rolls her eyes, before they focus on her beer again. 

The silence engulfs them again and Clark starts to wonder if maybe leaving isn't that bad of an idea after all. 

The only thing she hears is the muffled sounds from the party inside. Somehow the silence outside is much louder than the party noises. It makes her nervous. She doesn't know what to do. Break the silence? Keep quiet? She goes for, hopefully, the less awkward option. 

"Why aren't you at the party?" 

To Clarke's surprise, Lexa starts answering without reluctance. 

"I got a call from my... Never mind," she trails off. 

Of course, this peaks Clarke's interest. 

"Who called you, if I may ask." 

Lexa's eyes snap from a place on the wall behind her to her eyes. Her eyebrows furrow. 

"Do you ask because you're genuinely interested or just because you like to pry?" 

Her tone is sharp and accusing. Her beautiful, green eyes bore into Clarke, like she has offended Lexa. 

Clarke sighs. Lexa is difficult to have a conversation with. They start civil, but somehow it always turns into an argument. It is different from the usual bickering and teasing she has with Raven and Octavia. Conversations with Lexa are tense and every word needs to be contemplated. You never know what will set her off after all. Clarke, however, doesn't think about what she is saying. 

"Geez, it was just a question Lexa." 

Lexa doesn't react. She only gulps down her remaining beer. 

This only makes Clarke more frustrated. She knows Lexa isn't the only one who makes a friendly conversation impossible. She is to blame too, which Clarke will never admit, of course. 

"Friends ask each other questions, you know. It is an important part of someone's social skills. Something you clearly lack." 

Clarke doesn't stop talking and she resents herself for it. The only thing she is trying to do is get a rise out of Lexa. She doesn't even know why she doesn't just walk away and leave Lexa be. 

Lexa seems less affected by Clarke's statement than Clarke herself. Carefully, she puts the bottle on the ground and folds her arms in front of her. 

"I don't consider you my friend." 

Clarke's mouth falls open. She had forgotten she had said that. 

"I didn't mean that, so same," she weakly counters. 

Still, she doesn't get a reaction out of Lexa. It is as if she is made of stone and nothing can get to her. In some way, she admires that about Lexa. Clarke is always too emotional and lets her emotions determine her actions, which doesn't always end well. Certainly not with Lexa. 

"Whatever Clarke." 

Without even acknowledging her any further, Lexa walks away. She doesn't return to the party. Instead, she exits the alley and turns left. Back to her house, which Clarke now knows to find now.

Even when Lexa has long disappeared, Clarke keeps watching in the direction she left. She doesn't know how to feel, and she hates that. It is the kind of regret she feels after a one-night stand, although this time it is different. She can't exactly pinpoint what this feeling is. One thing she knows for sure is that she needs a drink when she feels like this. 

"Damn you, Woods," she mutters before returning inside to get herself some shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is, the third chapter. I hope you liked it! If you did, let me know. I appreciate all your kudos and comments. It lets me know I'm doing something right. :) If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them too.
> 
> I have an important exam on Monday, so the next update would probably be somewhere next week. 
> 
> Xxx


	4. Chapter 4

Clarke has no idea how she ended up here. Again. She looks at the white door in front of her, which had started to become an ugly, light shade of yellow. The door is unfamiliar, yet she knows she has been here before. It is the door to Lexa's small studio, so she should actually be able to recognize it. However, the last time she had been standing in front of the door, she had been very intoxicated. It is an explanation she rather not acknowledges. 

She knocks. Why? It remains a mystery to her. After Lexa had left the party, Clarke eventually went inside again. And like she had planned, and feared, she drank. Apparently not too much, because she was still able to find Lexa's building without any problems. She thought she wouldn't make any bad choices if she didn't drink too much, but she is starting to reconsider that. Knocking at Lexa's door in the middle of the night would seem like a very bad idea if she were completely sober. She isn't, so it doesn't seem too bad. It is definitely better than borrowing some money to pay for a cab, or going home with Octavia, only to hear the noises she and Lincoln make. 

She waits patiently for Lexa to open the door. It is likely that Lexa will simply ignore her. After all, she doesn't know Clarke is standing in her hallway. Clarke isn't sure if Lexa wouldn't just ignore her, even if she knew Clarke was there. Strangely enough, she is sure Lexa will open the door. Maybe it is her instinct she has gained because she is tipsy. Clarke doubts that's even a thing, but she uses it to mask her hope that Lexa opens the door. Not only because she needs a place to sleep, but also because she just really wants to stay at Lexa's. "Only because I like the apartment," she tells herself. "Just the apartment." 

She doesn't have long to think about why she is even here, because Lexa, like she had hoped, opens the door carefully. Only a small part of her face is visible. The rest is blocked by the door. 

"Clarke," she says a bit surprised. She doesn't sound really shocked about the fact that Clarke is knocking at her door at an ungodly hour. In fact, she sounds more surprised because her prediction had somehow come true. 

"Hi," 

Clarke doesn't have to offer anything more than a simple greeting. It is as if her brain has shut down after she saw Lexa standing in her own doorway with big glasses on her nose and her brown hair in a knot on her head. She only wears grey sweat pants and a tank top, and Clarke can't believe how good she looks in it. She is more dressed down than the last time Clarke was there, which suggests that Lexa had put some effort in her appearance after she woke up, while Clarke was still asleep. 

The sight of Lexa distracts her and she doesn't register Lexa has been saying something. 

"Mmm, sorry. What did you say?" 

No frustrated sigh or roll of her eyes. Just a small chuckle. "I was asking why you are here and how drunk you are right now," Lexa repeats patiently. 

That are two things she would have never thought would go together. Lexa and patient. It is different. Clarke likes it. 

"I need a place to sleep and I'm just a bit tipsy," Clarke answers truthfully. 

Lexa looks at her like she isn't really sure if Clarke is speaking the truth. Her green eyes are fixed on Clarke's blue ones. Her eyebrow is slightly furrowed. It's a simple choice. Let Clarke in of send her home, but Lexa is looking like she has to solve a very hard math equation. 

"So," Clarke starts when Lexa's intense gaze is getting a bit uncomfortable. "Are you going to let me in? I promise I will be a good guest. The best you have ever had, but I don't think you get a lot of guests actually. Just me. Maybe you should invite people over more often. They would like your flat. I like your flat, or technically it is a studio, right?" 

She wants to continue to ramble. The words just keep floating out of her mouth like she has suddenly turned into a word waterfall. Lexa, however, interrupts her with a bored tone and a stoic look on her face. Yet, her eyes seem to flicker with something close to amusement. 

"Please, stop talking." 

Clarke immediately shuts her mouth.. "Of course. I will shut up. I will shut up, right now." 

Despite of Clarke doing what she says, for once, Lexa still doesn't react. She just continues staring at Clarke with her intense eyes. Clarke loves Lexa's eyes. She even wants to apply the cliché of 'getting lost in someone's eyes', because she can't help but feel like that is what is happening. As awkward as the atmosphere is becoming due to their stare down, in a twisted way she enjoys it. She keeps discovering new things, and not just in her eyes. Of course, her eyes are a highlight, but she also wants to focus on her plump lips, cute nose, hell even her small ears. It is a strange sensation and Clarke doesn't know what to with it. Diffusing the situation is always the best option. 

"Can I come in?" 

Lexa also seems to snap out of her daze. "Yeah, sure." 

She steps aside to let Clarke in. It is almost as if she can feel Lexa's eyes on her ass, but that is only her imagination. She is sure about that. 

Her studio is still the same as last time, only this time there is keyboard on the table. 

"You play?" Clarke asks surprised. 

The last thing she imagined Lexa doing, was playing an instrument. It seems too sophisticated and in somehow too friendly for Lexa. Even if she tries, she can't picture Lexa playing the piano, or in this case a keyboard. 

From the corner of her eye she sees Lexa nod. 

"It helps me relax," she explains dutifully as if she owns Clarke an explanation. 

Clarke moves closer to the keyboard and lets her fingers slide over the black and white keys. She sees a headphone plugged in, but she still tries not to draw a sound. Somehow, even if there isn't anyone to wake up, she always tries to be as quiet as possible in the night. 

"Do you play too?" Lexa asks softly. She is standing next to Clarke and seems to be mesmerized by Clarke's fingers on the keys. Clarke hasn't heard that tone from Lexa before. It causes shivers to run over her back. 

Clarke shakes her head. "No, but I paint sometimes." 

Lexa only makes a humming noise. 

Lexa is still looking at the keys, so Clarke can watch her without Lexa noticing her. Lexa's tense jaw seems to have disappeared and her eyes seem so much brighter. Everything about her appears to be softer. It is a beautiful sight. Lexa must have noticed Clarke eyes on her, so she turns her head. Their eyes meet. There is no firework like so many couples claim to have experienced. It is something else. Something softer. And suddenly it is over. Lexa's eyes harden and she clenches her jaw again. In less than a second, she has returned to her stoic façade. 

Clarke breaks the eye contact. She has no idea where to look, so she turns her eyes to the ground. 

"Bathroom's over there, I will get you some pajamas." 

Clarke nods and enters the bathroom. Through the open door she watches how Lexa puts the keyboard away. She does it so automatically like she has done it a hundred times, which she probably has. Lexa catches her looking, again, and raises her eyebrows. Clarke quickly turns away and starts doing her night routine. Lexa brings her the essentials without saying a word. Lexa is lounging in the big arm chair once Clarke leaves the bathroom. Clarke is about to crawl into bed when the realization hits her that she has to sleep in the same bed as Lexa. How can she be so stupid that she hasn't realized that before? That one time was no problem. She was too drunk to even really think about it, but now she is starting to sober up and this whole situation is starting to become worse and worse. What was she thinking when she went here? 

"Ehm, maybe this wasn't such a good idea," she stammers. 

Lexa puts her phone down with a sigh and rolls her eyes. 

"Clarke, please. Since when are you some shy teenager?" 

"I am not. It's just..." She doesn't know her problem. Lexa is right. She has never been really prude. Why has that suddenly changed? 

"You still don't trust me," Lexa states calmly like it doesn't affect her at all. 

"No, that is not it," Clarke immediately denies, and that is true. She has already forgotten about her behavior from last time. Why doesn't Lexa send her away? Clarke certainly would have. Without any reason, she keeps on insulting Lexa in her own home. 

"Lexa, look. I'm sorry. Let's just go to sleep." 

"Sure thing, princess." 

XXX 

Her sleep is restless. Clarke keeps waking up, turning around and eventually falling asleep again. Her thoughts seem to continue racing around even when she is asleep. The next morning, she wakes up exhausted. She is able to recognize the sounds from the strange neighborhood, so she starts her day more relaxed than the last time she slept over at Lexa's. Despite her restless sleep, she turns around with a smile on her face. Lexa's bed is just so comfortable, which is probably why she had no problem falling asleep last night. The alcohol certainly, helped too. Luckily, Clarke doesn't seem to have a hangover this morning and therefore is in a much better mood compared to last time. 

Noises from, presumably, the kitchen get her attention. Clarke is able to see Lexa move around her small flat from the bed. And yet again she is seeing a new side of Lexa. Instead of her usual black jeans with leather jacket, she is wearing slacks with a button down. The button down is a bit oversized and tucked messily into her slacks, so the otherwise very formal look has a playful switch to it. 

Clarke likes it. Maybe a bit too much. She can't stop staring and, of course, Lexa notices this. 

"Could you please stop staring? It is very rude and just peculiar." 

Clarke can't stop the chuckle from leaving her mouth. "Peculiar?" 

She spends most of her time with med-students, so she is used to people her age talking a bit too formal. However, she has never expected Lexa to talk like that. Now that she thinks about it, she has no idea what Lexa does all day. In her mind, she just walks around with a stoic look while making sarcastic remarks and rolling her eyes too much. 

"Yes, Clarke. Peculiar. Should I spell it out for you?" 

And there it is again. Clarke starts to wonder if it is even possible for Lexa to have a conversation without being sarcastic or somehow insulting someone. Maybe she just lacks a teasing tone and thus seems a bit mean all the time. 

"No, thank you," Clarke replies with the same sarcastic undertone. 

Lexa stands still for a second to look at Clarke directly. "Great, because I have better things to do" 

"You just can't help it, can you?" 

Lexa is still looking at Clarke and her stoic look seems to disappear. Even for a second. If Clarke wasn't paying attention, she would have missed the way the corners of her mouth turns downward and a frown appears on her forehead. It is moments like these that Clarke remembers later when she is alone and can't stop her thoughts from going to Lexa. She looks different in these moments. So broken and small that Clarke suddenly has the need to hug her and keep her close. Two things Clarke never thought she would even consider. 

"Are you still drunk, because you are talking trash?" Lexa asks as she turns around and start shoving some books into her backpack. 

Clarke shakes her head. "Forget it." 

"Already have" Lexa mumbles while she continues getting ready for wherever she is going.

"I'm leaving," she announces sounding like a high schooler talking to her parents before school. "Just close the door behind you when you leave." 

Clarke's is almost too dumbfounded to react. 

"You're just going to leave me alone in your apartment?" 

Lexa rolls her eyes impatiently. 

"Yes, I have somewhere to be and you are nowhere near ready to leave."

Clarke immediately agrees. It would take some time before she has fully woken up. 

"You're not afraid I'm going to pry or like steal anything?" Clarke asks still surprised by Lexa's trust on her. 

"No," Lexa replies like it is the most normal thing in the world to leave a practically stranger alone in her house. Lexa grabs her packback and leaves without saying anything else leaving Clarke staring at a closed door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure about this chapter, so let me know whether you liked it or not!
> 
> Next update hopefully somewhere this weekend :)
> 
> Xxx


	5. Chapter 5

Clarke looks around. She has no idea what to do now. It is weird to be alone in Lexa's studio. She has to resist the temptation to pry a little bit. The last thing she wants, is to damage the strange kind of trust they have built. Clarke can't fathom Lexa at all. She is cold and aloof most of the time, but sometimes she seems soft and even a bit lonely. Although, those moments don't happen often and they don't last very long. Clarke, however, has seen them and has come to know more about Lexa than she has in the three years she has known her, which is still very little, but there is no better way to learn something about someone than snooping around their house a little bit. 

Clarke moves closer to the arm chair, so she can take a better look at the poster that is hanging on the wall. She didn't even notice it the first time she was here. It is a black and white picture with a piano in it. Someone is playing the piano, but you can't see who. Only the elegant hands of a woman are visible. It is a beautiful picture and Clarke admires the artist who took it. She isn't really into photography, but she can appreciate a good photograph. Especially if that photograph is hanging on the wall of a walking mysterie. A lot can be learned about someone by the art they choose or even unknowingly prefer. A black and white picture fits Lexa. It is dark and mysterious, like her. At the same time, there is a certain peace and elegance about it, which Clarke sometimes sees in her. 

She nods to herself, while she moves on to continue her secret prying. It isn't really prying. She isn't going to open drawers and look through its content, because that would be prying. The only thing she is going to do, is look around for a little while. Nothing wrong with that, right? 

Clarke is a bit disappointed that there isn't really anything else to see. Everything is neatly stored away behind doors or in a drawer and therefore she only learns that Lexa is a very neat and organized person. Maybe that is why she likes Lexa's studio so much. Clarke herself isn't really a tidy person. Her own room is littered with clothes, books and art supplies. It is even worse when she is in the middle of her finals. After she is done, she has to clean her room, otherwise it would almost be impossible to reach her bed. Seeing such a neat and tidy room almost feels like a relief. 

She lets herself fall into the arm chair with a sigh. She knows she has to change and just go home, but she doesn't want to leave. Not yet. Moreover, she doesn't have a way to get home that doesn't involve someone picking her up and bringing her home. She knows her mom is working at the hospital and Raven is probably still stick. She could call Octavia, but she doesn't want to disturb her and Lincoln. 

The ringing of her phone brings her hope. Maybe Raven isn't sick anymore, or Octavia is less busy than she expected. Clarke grabs her phone from the bedside table, where she apparently left it last night. She sees Octavia's name appearing on her screen. 

"Octavia!" she greets excited. 

"Clarke?" sounds the relieved voice of Octavia. "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah," Clarke replies hesitant. "Why wouldn't I be?" 

Octavia immediately starts to ramble. "I woke up this morning and started to wonder how you even got home. I know you didn't go home to your mom, but you didn't stay with Monty and Raven also had no idea where you were." 

Clarke interrupts her with a chuckle. She didn't mean to worry her friend, but it is heartwarming to hear she cares so much. "I'm fine. I stayed over at ..." Where did she actually stay over? At a friend's house? She wouldn't really call Lexa her friend. Acquittance, maybe? But that wouldn't really put Octavia at ease. 

"Clarke?" Octavia asks again, but this time she sounds troubled. 

"No, I didn't have sex or anything," Clarke clarifies instantly, already knowing what Octavia was going to ask. "I'm done with one-night stands, remember?" 

She hears Octavia letting out a relieved sigh. "Good, so. Where are you?" Her worried tone has disappeared completely and has made room for curiosity. 

Clarke pinches the bridge of her nose. "I, maybe..." She pauses for a second. "Stayed at Lexa's," she says as fast as possible. 

"You stayed where?" Octavia asks confused. 

She doesn't want to repeat herself, as if repeating it would make it more true. "You heard me." 

Octavia laughs. "No, I didn't. You are acting weird. Are you sure you didn't have sex? You always act weird after sex." 

"No," Clarke answers with a sigh. There is no way she can get out of this. "I stayed over at Lexa's. Again." 

Octavia is silent for a few seconds, but to Clarke it seems to continue for minutes. "Oh," is the only thing Octavia eventually says. 

There is a pause again in which neither knows what to say. It is Octavia who breaks the silence. "Again?" 

Clarke is still pinching the bridge of her nose so hard, that she is sure she has cut of some blood circulation. She feels embarrassed. The thought of being associated with Lexa is making her anxious. 

"I just needed a place to stay," Clarke desperately tries to explain. It isn't much of an explanation and she knows it, but is has to do for now until she can come up with a logical reason as to why she is here. 

Of course, Octavia doesn't accept this. "That, I understand, but why choose to stay with Lexa. You weren't drunk enough to do something as stupid as that." 

Clarke starts to feel protective of Lexa. Sure, she can dislike Lexa as much as she wants, but to hear her friends talking about her like that, it just doesn't sit well with her. She, however, doesn't defend Lexa. Why should she? It isn't like she owns Lexa anything. Or maybe she does? 

Clarke groans about how complicated this situation is becoming and she promises herself this is the last time she is at Lexa's studio. 

"Clarke?" 

Octavia's voice snaps her out of her daze. 

"Just get out of there and go home." 

"Good idea," Clarke agrees. Suddenly, she is becoming very tired. Her bones seem heavier than before and she starts getting a hangover out of nowhere. She just wants to sleep, but she still has no way to get home. "Can you come and pick me up?" She asks hopefully. Her voice sounds small and tired, and she hates it. 

Octavia must have heard it too, because she immediately agrees. "I'm on my way. Lincoln knows the address." 

Clarke hangs up and starts changing into her clothes from last night. She knows Octavia and Lincoln don't live too far from Lexa, so she doesn't have much time. Without even looking in the mirror, she starts to leave, but not before she has looked around the room one last time. The chair, the closet, the small kitchen. Everything has started to become familiar, which is strange because she has only been here a few times. 

The realization dawns that she has never thanked Lexa for letting her stay over. They might not like each other, but Lexa had been there for Clarke in her own way. Clarke enters the flat again and hears the door shut behind her. Unexpectedly in a hurry, she starts fidgeting with her hands while she tries to come up with a way to thank Lexa. The easiest option would be to just text Lexa, but Clarke doesn't even have her number. Her eyes fall on the pen laying on the table. If only she had a small piece of paper to write a quick thank you note on. 

It is as if the closet is screaming at her. It would be the most logical place to store something like a post-it. Slowly as if Lexa could enter any second now, which is actually a possibility, Clarke moves to the closet. She grabs the handle and closes her eyes. 

"Please, forgive me God," she mumbles under her breath, before opening the closet.  
The upper halve is filled with clothes. A lot of black, of course. The lower halve is a chest of drawers. Three drawers to be precise. 

"Let it be this one," Clarke says while opening the first drawer. It is filled with shoes. Clarke looks at it dumbfounded. Who stores shoes in a drawer? She can't help but notice a few pair of high heels, which she didn't expect at all. She doesn't think about it for long and closes the drawer immediately. Luckily, the next drawer contains stuff for daily use and Clarke grabs the post-it with a relieved shriek.  
Clarke closes the closet again and moves to the table to write the note while she stands. 

Thank you for letting me stay here.  
I promise this is the last time.  
Clarke 

She contemplates leaving her number for a second, but quickly pushes the thought away. Why would Lexa want her number? 

She places the note in the middle of the table, so there is no way that Lexa can miss it. This time she really takes a final look and then leaves the studio. Octavia is already waiting for her outside the building. A compassionate smile on her face. 

"Are you finally done with playing housemates with Lexa?" Her tone is teasing, but Clarke notices the serious undertone. 

She nods. "Definitely." 

XXXX 

Clarke is studying for her last final and she can't wait for it to be over. Three weeks long it has only been studying and taking exams. She is done with it. Her room is one big mess as if a bomb has exploded. That is, at least, the comparison her mom keeps on making. Clarke has to admit her mother is right. There are books and notes everywhere. Combining it with her usual mess, it almost makes her room inaccessible. 

She envies Lexa and her neat and tidy studio. Maybe she can ask Lexa for some tips. And that is another thing Clarke wants to be over. Somehow her mind keeps returning to Lexa. Who called her that night in the alley? Where did she go the next morning? Did she read Clarke's note? 

The thoughts seem to pop up at the most random times. When she is walking through central station and sees the piano in the hall, for example. She used to love it when she walked passed it and someone was playing it. With the acoustics of the big hall, it always sounded amazing. Now, however, she has started to hate it. It always brings her thoughts back to Lexa. 

The last time she stayed over has already been three weeks ago. Exactly the weekend before her finals started. She thought learning all day would be enough of a distraction, but she was wrong. She just hopes it doesn't affect her results. 

Clarke tries to regain her faces and finishes one of the last chapters she has to learn. Of course, it is easier said than done. The topic isn't particularly hard, but the excessive usage of Latin and Greek words makes it hard to stay focused. Why does everything related to medicine have to be in either Latin or Greek. What is wrong with simple English? 

With a sigh, Clarke pushes her book always. She will finish this later. Right now, she needs some distraction. The good kind, so not thinking about her many questions regarding Lexa. She unlocks her phone to read the many text messages from Octavia and Raven about their lack of motivation for studying. Clarke chuckles while she starts replying. She is still texting when Raven calls her. 

"Hi Griff-Griff!" Raven greets her more excited than she should be during finals. 

Before Clarke can even greet her back, Raven already continues talking. 

"I'm calling you, because I know how bad you are at remembering anything other than medical stuff. Next week, when we're all finally done with finals, dinner at Octavia's." 

Clarke cheers up by the prospect of seeing her friends next week. "Sounds good!" 

"Great!" Raven says still enthusiastic. "Now start studying again, cos I know you weren't doing that. Bye!" 

Clarke stares at her phone after Raven has hung up. Phone calls with Raven are always quick and chaotic. It is as if she never actually has the time to call, but still does it. Clarke puts her phone away and sighs. Raven was right, she has to continue studying. 

XXX 

Clarke looks around the table happily. They have all finished their finals, and even though Clarke doesn't know her results yet, she has a good feeling about it. Everyone is relieved that the first finals of the year are done. She watches how Octavia is sitting close to Lincoln, as always. Next to them sits Raven, who is never bothered by being the third-wheel. She is in a heated discussion with Monty and Jasper, who are sitting next to Clarke, about the best way to make something explode. Being a med-students requires some knowledge about physics and chemistry, but Clarke has no idea what they are talking about. 

She listens with half an ear to them while looking at Octavia and Lincoln. A pang of jealousy hits her. Not too long ago she would sit in the same way with Finn. They couldn't get enough of each other and always had to touch each other somehow, which irritated their friends to no end. At that time, they didn't really care about it. The rest of the world didn't matter as long as they were happy. And they were, at least Clarke assumes they were. Finn was probably cheating already. The thought of Finn cheating always puts a damper on her happy memories. That has probably made this break-up so much harder than a break-up after a fight, for example. Or maybe because Clarke saw herself spend the rest of her life with Finn, and he clearly didn't feel the same. 

Lincoln must have noticed her change in mood, because he stops his endless conversation with Octavia to address the whole group. 

"What are your plans for Thanksgiving?" He asks in general. 

"Eating," Raven immediately answers. Raven never goes home for Thanksgiving, but every year she gets a dozen of invites to join someone else's Thanksgiving dinner. 

"We are going to make the trip back home," Jasper tells them while Monty agrees by simply nodding his head. 

Lincoln turns to Clarke. "You?" 

Clarke knows Lincoln is trying to cheer her up, because who doesn't love Thanksgiving, right? Well, Clarke. Her mother already informed her that her whole family is coming over, which means a lot of aunts and uncles with prying questions. That is not how Clarke wants to spend her Thanksgiving and Abby knows this, so she has given Clarke a pass this year. Probably because this will be her first Thanksgiving without being in a relationship in years 

"I don't really know, yet," Clarke eventually answers. "You?" she instantly turns the attention away from herself. 

Lincoln shrugs and seems a bit panicked as if he hadn't expected to get asked about his plans. "I will most likely spend it with Anya and Lexa." 

Clarke's heart seems to stop for a second. She was starting to forget about her, but somehow Lexa always comes up in a conversation. 

"Ah, the bitch," Raven mumbles under her breath, but still hard enough to be heard. 

"Raven," Octavia scowls. 

Clarke knows Octavia doesn't like Lexa too, but she keeps neutral in front of Lincoln. 

Raven acts like she didn't hear Octavia. "How did you even meet Lexa?" 

Clarke watches how Lincoln swallows nervously. He is put in the middle of the attention and he hates that. Clarke knows, but she can't help her curiosity and doesn't say anything. 

"I met Lexa in high school and through her I met Anya," Lincoln explains reluctantly. 

This certainly peaks Raven's interest. "What was she like in high school?" she asks intrigued. 

Lincoln shrugs again. "A normal teenager, I guess." 

Clarke is ready to drop the topic. It is starting to become awkward, which is weird. She has never felt nervous around her friends. Apparently, she and Lincoln are the only who feel that way, because the rest isn't about to drop the topic. 

"What does she even do nowadays?" Jasper asks suddenly also very interested in Lexa. 

Raven replies before Lincoln can even open his mouth to answer. "I bet she kills puppies in her free time." 

"Raven!" Octavia reprimands her again. 

Lincoln places a relaxing hand on Octavia's shoulder. "It's okay," he whispers. "She is a musician," he answers with a resolute tone to indicate the conversation is over. 

Raven gets the hint and decides to finally leave the topic for what it is, but not before mumbling to Jasper. "I still think she kills puppies." 

After that conversation, dinner is over quickly. They wash the dishes together. The relaxed atmosphere is starting to return and the awkward conversation is already forgotten once Jasper starts throwing foam at everyone. 

After everyone is dry again, Clarke is the first to leave. Her mother was nice enough to let Clarke borrow her car, but it is still a long drive home. They say their goodbyes and she agrees to get breakfast with Raven and Octavia somewhere next week. 

She leaves the building with a smile on her face. Luckily, the night ended good. She didn't want to leave with a bad feeling from the conversation about Lexa. It frustrates her that just talking about Lexa still has such an effect on her. She tries to justify it as sympathy towards Lincoln, who was put on the spot without a reason. 

Clarke is so lost in her thoughts that she doesn't hear someone calling her name. She is only snapped out of her thoughts when she feels a familiar hand on her shoulder. She knows that hand. Slowly, she turns around and sees the pair of brown eyes she used to love for the first time in months. 

"Finn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, no Lexa this chapter, but there will be a Lexa POV somewhere in the coming chapters. I can't wait to start writing it :)  
> I expect to have finished the next chapter around Tuesday/Wednesday
> 
> Hopefully, you liked this one. Let me know! 
> 
> Xxx


	6. Chapter 6

"Finn." 

A big smile spreads across his face as if he didn't think Clarke would recognize him. "Clarke, how are you?" 

He goes in a for hug and Clarke lets him. The longing she feels to be embraced again is bigger than the hatred she feels for him at that moment. The hug lasts longer than a hug between exes should last. He doesn't let her go and Clarke doesn't try to wriggle out of his embrace. If anyone was watching, it would look like two lovers finally embrace each other again after a long time apart. It isn't too far from the truth actually. 

"I'm good," Clarke lies, like everyone does to their ex. Finn lets her go and watches her expectantly. Clarke musters a smile on her face. It probably looks more like a grimace. "You?" 

Finns smile stays bright. It is the smile she fell in love with. It hurts to see him smile like that without her. Secretly, she had hoped that he would be miserable and couldn't stop thinking about her, which clearly isn't true. Finn looks good. Too good, for Clarke's likening. 

He seems less tired and an intense feeling of guilt overwhelms her. Was that what she reduced him to? A tired and unhappy mess. No wonder he cheated on her. 

"What are you doing here?" Finn asks interested as if an awkward conversation with his ex doesn't effect him at all. 

"Dinner at Octavia's," Clarke answers with melancholy in her voice. Finn used to join them and now he is just like an old friend she meets on the street by chance and has a fleeting conversation with. She doesn't want that with Finn, but she has no idea what to say to him. She wants to be angry and scream at him, but at the same time she wants him to hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay. Just like old times.

"You?" she eventually asks. 

"Oh," Finn starts with a distant tone. "I live in the neighborhood now." 

Clarke nods. "That's cool." 

It is weird that she has no idea about what is going on in his live. She wonders what his house looks like. If he finally bought the red couch, which Clarke always found ugly. They would often pass a small furniture store during one of their late-night walks and he would gush about it every time. She wonders if he has the same coffeemaker as in their old house, because he loved it so much. If he lives alone. That is a question that keeps swirling around in her head and Clarke can't stop herself from blurting it out loud.

"Alone, or?" 

Her voice betrays the fear she has for his answer. She tries to act unaffected, but she miserably fails.

Finn shakes his head. "No, with Emily." 

Emily. 

The girl with whom he cheated on her. And Clarke knows she has no reason to hate her. She probably didn't even know Finn was in a relationship. However, the jealous part of her is stronger than her conscience and she immediately feels a hatred for the girl blooming inside her. She is ready to take everything out on Finn and finally tell him the truth about how much he broke her heart. And not just her heart. Her future was ruined too. 

"Oh," is the only thing that leaves her mouth. 

Her throat becomes dry and makes it hard to speak. She feels the tears welling up in her eyes. The last thing she wants, is to cry in front of him. It would make her look weak and fragile and she doesn't want him to see her like that. She looks to the ground in the hopes that he doesn't see the tears that are threatening to fall. 

A hand on her shoulder again makes her look up again. There is a comforting smile on his face. He clearly saw her tears and Clarke immediately sees a plan forming behind his eyes. 

"You know, Clarke," he starts with his well-known flirting voice. "It doesn't have to end. We can rekindle whatever we had without any problems." 

Clarke feels the hope blossoming through her. It is as if her lungs finally get enough room and she can breathe again. 

"You're breaking up with her?" 

Finn starts to laugh and her last bit of hope disappears. 

"No, I love her. But come on, Clarke. We had great sex. You don't have to miss out on that just because we broke up." 

Clarke want the ground to swallow her up and never let her go. The part she hates most is that she is actually considering it. She wouldn't feel so lonely anymore. It would be great to have someone in her life who isn't in her friend group in. He is offering, so why shouldn't she consider it? Moreover, it can be some sort of petty revenge on Emily. Win-win, right? 

Clarke is standing on a psychological crossroad. If she goes left, she says goodbye to everything that once was familiar and this time it is for real. She knows Finn isn't going to come back to her if she refuses his offer. He is too proud for that. Turning right means she can go back to her old life in some sort. Sure, she wouldn't really have a relationship with Finn, but she wouldn't be alone at night. They can go back to eating popcorn and watching bad sitcoms in the middle of the night, but she doesn't accept his offer right away. The betrayal she felt after she found out Finn was cheating is still present and it prevents her from doing so. 

Finn notices her hesitation. "Why wouldn't you accept?" 

Finn is known to get what he wants most of the time. It's just how it has always been and it will most likely never change. As much as she wants to accept his offer and give Finn what he wants, Clarke would do everything to make him feel the same abandoned feeling she had when he cheated on her. This is her chance. Probably her only chance.

"Why would I?" She asks as sassy as she can. 

Finn snorts, but at the same time there is something close to pity in his eyes. She doesn't need his pity. 

"Admit it, Clarke. Your life has been a bit of a mess lately. I know you are living with your mom." 

It's a low blow, especially since he forced her to sell their house. And how does he even know she has been living in her old home again? 

"So what, Finn?" she snaps. 

She is done with this conversation. Why didn't see before that he can be an asshole? However, she can't help feeling like she is making a mistake. This is final and she has always been bad at letting things go. What if she wakes up tomorrow and she misses him like crazy? 

"It's a bit sad to live with your mom." 

It hurts. She feels like a dependent child. Clarke always saw herself as an independent woman. She loved going home, but she was more than capable of taking care of herself. To hear Finn denying that stings. 

"Well, I like it." 

She doesn't. In fact, she would give everything to move out of her mom's house, but she isn't going to tell Finn that. 

"I don't believe that," Finn replies suspiciously. Of course, he knows it when she lies. He always knows. 

She doesn't have a good comeback, so she decides to walk away. Be the better person, right? 

"Goodbye Finn," she says just to get the last word. 

Clarke turns around and doesn't look back, afraid that she will realize she is indeed making a great mistake. Finn shouts after her, but she ignores him and keeps on walking. 

To the closest bar. 

She deserves some shots. 

XXX 

Lexa walks around nervously. She has to leave in half an hour and she still hasn't chosen an outfit. Her grandmother always wants her to wear a dress if they have dinners like the one they will have tonight, but the dress she had in mind is too cold. It is already November and it is starting to become colder and colder. She just wants to wear some jeans with a jacket, but her grandmother would never accept that. Showing up without wearing a dress or skirt and heels, would make her evening so much harder. Heels. She forgot she had to wear high heels, because she isn't allowed to wear her comfortable sneakers. Her grandmother always tells her she needs the heels to have a graceful posture, which she otherwise wouldn't have. Lexa accepts it, like she accepts everything her grandmother tells her to do. 

"Lexa." 

Lexa pulls her attention away from the closet to look at Anya with an irritated expression. She has so much to do that she doesn't have time for a pep talk from Anya. 

"Not now," Lexa grumbles. She turns back to her closet to look through the same dresses she has looked through a million times before. Hopefully, Anya gets the hint that the conversation is over before she could even start it. 

Anya gets the hint, she always does. She, however, decides to ignore it. Anya lays relaxed in the arm chair with her legs dangling over the arm of the chair. A bored, yet amused expression on her face. 

"They are your grandparents. What is the worst that could happen?" 

There are a lot of things that could go wrong. Her grandmother and Lexa both have a temper and her grandfather chooses her grandmother's without hesitation. Every topic that is brought up, could end in a heated discussion. It always puts her on edge. 

Before Lexa could even begin to sum up the multiple worst-case scenarios, Anya raises her hand. 

"Please, don't answer that." 

"Then don't ask," Lexa snaps back. Lexa rolls her eyes and continues going over the pros and cons of every dress. She should probably apologize to Anya for snapping, but she doesn't really care about that right now. Anya will understand. She always does. 

Anya stands up and walks to the table to lean against it. This way, she is standing right behind Lexa. 

"Relax," she says with an uninterested tone, but Lexa knows it is supposed to be soothing. "You go there, you pretend to be raised perfectly and you play some songs on the piano to show you still practice like they want. You will be back before you know it." 

Lexa sighs and turns around to look Anya in the eye. "You know that is not how it will go." 

Anya just shrugs. "Maybe this time it does." 

Lexa wants to turn around again, but Anya stops her by grabbing her elbow. "Why don't you go to the bathroom and brush your teeth or something. You know how much granny hates a bad breath. Meanwhile, I will pick out an outfit for you." 

Anya is already pushing Lexa towards the bathroom, before she can even protest. With one final push, Lexa enters the bathroom. She opens her mouth to give Anya some tips about which outfit to choose, but Anya is faster again. 

"I know. Warm, because it is cold outside and proper like you're about to go to Sunday school." 

Lexa nods and starts brushing her teeth and touching up her make-up as Anya instructed her too. The constant nervousness doesn't go away. It is as if someone has tied a knot in her stomach and she isn't able to untie it. The queasy feeling spreads through her whole body. It makes her hand shake, so she eventually gives up on applying some more mascara. 

At first, her grandparents seemed to let her go after they finally started to accept her decision. However, things started to change during the summer vacation. They started watching her more closely to make sure she practices enough. Furthermore, they try to set her up with a new piano teacher every few weeks. To make it even worse, her grandmother called a few weeks ago to let her know they are to have dinner every two weeks. Lexa got the call during Lincoln's party and it immediately ruined his birthday for her. It was also the night she talked to Clarke again outside the bar. The only benefit of these dinners is that they make her worry so much that she forgets about Clarke. 

So far, she has had one dinner. She survived it and she has to admit, it went better than she expected. Of course, her grandparents had a lot to remark and complain about, but Lexa was able to impress them with a piece from Mozart. Two dinners that go well is too much to ask and Lexa knows this. It is why she has been nervous all week. Everything needs to be perfect tonight and that includes the outfit. 

Lexa leaves the bathroom to see what Anya has picked out for her. She knows it doesn't matter whether she likes it or not. Anya won't accept a no. Lexa eyes the dress on her bed warily. She has to admit it is a dress her grandmother would love, which is the only reason why she even bought it in the first place. It is too conservative for her likening. 

"No whining. Put the damn dress on," Anya orders from her usual place in the arm chair. 

Lexa closes her eyes to put herself together again and starts changing with a sigh. 

Anya chuckles. "You are such a drama queen," she teases. 

Lexa is still busy with putting the dress. "I happen to know that you love a little bit of drama." She walks to Anya and turns her back to her. "Zip me up." 

Anya stands up with a sigh that is more suitable for an old woman. "Because you asked it so nicely," she mumbles under her breath. 

Reluctantly, Lexa turns around when Anya is finished. "How do I look?" 

Anya snorts. "Like a rich stuck-up bitch, but that is the look we are going for." 

"Wow, thanks. You know how to make a girl feel beautiful," Lexa replies sarcastically. She looks in the mirror and her reflection confirms Anya's remark. She looks not like herself. The dress is black with small white dots. The upper part is tight with a high neckline. The sleeves end at her elbow. The bottom part of the dress is wider and ends at her knees. She can't bear the look at her reflection any longer and she quickly looks away. Anya shoves some high heels in her hands. Lexa puts them on quickly. She grabs her purse and keys and moves towards the door. 

"Okay, there we go." 

She really doesn't want to go. While putting on her coat, which she saves for dinners like these, she turns to Anya again. "Wish me luck." 

"You got this, Lexa," Anya tries to cheer her up. "And don't forget to enjoy tonight. Life would be dull without any drama in it." 

Lexa leaves while shaking her head. She is still incredibly nervous, but Anya has managed to reduce her nervousness a little bit. 

"You got this," she continues repeating Anya's words to herself. 

Lexa plays a piano piece in the car on her way to her grandparents' house. It is a piece from Franz Liszt. She doesn't particularly like it, but she knows her grandfather loves it, which is why she has planned to play it tonight. In her mind, she plays along. She sees her fingers moving over the black and white keys of the piano. 

She got this. 

Her confidence starts to disappear once she sees the familiar driveway that leads to a stately mansion. She parks her car next to her grandfather's obnoxiously big car and makes her way over to the door. Her confidence is completely gone by the time she is ringing the doorbell. She wants to cower away, but she forces herself to stand tall. 

"I got this," she mumbles to herself before her grandmother opens the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My exam was cancelled due to the bad weather, so suddenly I had a lot of time to write!   
> I like this chapter and therefore couldn't wait to publish it. 
> 
> I hope you guys liked it too. Let me know! :)
> 
> xxx


	7. Chapter 7

Lexa takes one more breath before the door opens completely and she will see her grandmother again. 

"Alexandria," greets her grandmother her. "You are late." 

Lexa plasters a smile on her face and hopes it looks real. "Nia, good evening." She greets her with a kiss on each cheek. 

Nia hates it when Lexa calls her grandmother, which she learned pretty quickly after she moved in so many years ago. 

"Please, excuse my tardiness," she apologies while entering the house and taking off her coat. "Traffic was heavier than I had anticipated, so it took me longer than normal to get here." 

She just hopes that her being late doesn't immediately mean a bad start of their dinner. A polite smile on Nia's face is a good sign, so maybe tonight won't be as bad as she thought. 

"We heard about the traffic congestions. Traffic is horrible these days." 

Lexa follows her grandmother to the dining room while they continue talking about the traffic. Or more specifically, Nia continues complaining and Lexa just agrees. She couldn't care less about traffic. It takes as longs as it takes. She can't really change anything about it. 

Her grandfather is already seated at the dining table when they enter the dining room. 

"Titus," Lexa greets him with a faux delighted tone. 

He puts his paper down and looks at her with piercing eyes. "Good evening, Alexandria. Please take a seat." He gestures to the chair at his left hand. 

Lexa nods and takes a seat. Titus starts reading the paper again and Lexa knows not to interrupt him. Nia has disappeared to the kitchen to finish dinner. This leaves Lexa without somebody to talk to. The dining room is completely silent. Only the ticking of the clock and soft classical music is audible. It takes her back to her days in high school. She was forced to do her homework in the dining room, so it was easier for Titus and Nia to keep an eye on her. The clock irritated her then and it still does, but she knows better than to grab her phone to kill some time before dinner. Somehow reading a paper while there is company is different than scrolling through Facebook on her phone. The rustling of paper is uncomfortably familiar. She shifts in her seat to get rid of the awkward feeling that is spreading through her body. She never thought that she would wish for Nia to return, but right now she does. It would interrupt the silent and awkward situation. Or at least Lexa finds it uncomfortable. Titus clearly thinks it is perfectly normal to read in complete silence while his granddaughter is sitting next to him. 

"Stop fidgeting, Alexandria," Titus tells her without lifting his eyes from the paper. 

Lexa immediately sits still. How is he even able to see her move when he is focused on reading? 

"Sorry," she replies softly. 

The ticking of the clock and rustling of the paper is getting too much. The room seems to become smaller and smaller. Lexa jumps out of her seat. 

"I will go help Nia with dinner," she announces before storming out of the dining room. Away from the tense atmosphere. She almost runs to the kitchen, just to get away from there, which is a big mistake. 

"Alexandria! No running in the house!" Nia reprimands her. 

Lexa has to do her best not to roll with her eyes. She would barely call it running, but the last thing she needs to do if she wants a civil dinner, is to go against Nia. 

"I'm sorry. I wanted to help." 

Nia walks past her with a pan in her hands. "Well, you should have thought of that sooner. Dinner is ready. Please grab the remaining pan in the kitchen." 

Lexa does as she is told and brings to pan to the dining rooming. She takes the same seat. Meanwhile, Titus has put his newspaper away. 

Nia fills Lexa's plate, because apparently she isn't old enough to do it herself. Of course, Nia doesn't scoop up much. They had a conversation about Lexa's unhealthy diet the last time, so Lexa accepts the small portion she gets. She will stop by McDonald's on her way back. 

Dinner starts and it takes everything in her not to fall asleep. Titus and Nia keep on discussing some local politician, about whom Lexa has never heard. She pretends to be interested and sometimes agrees with something they say, but she mostly keeps aloof. If she doesn't say much, she won't say anything wrong. Of course, her grandparents notice her lack of participation and call her out on it. 

"Why are you so quiet, Alexandria?" Nia asks disapproving. 

Lexa immediately straightens her back. She was starting to slouch. 

"Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. Would you please repeat what you just said?" 

Nia sighs and reluctantly starts repeating her question. "What piece did you prepare for tonight?" 

The tension in her body returns. She knows where this is going and she isn't ready for it. In her head she remembers all the moments last week when she didn't practice. She should have practiced. Her grandparents always know if she didn't practice as much as she could have. 

"A piece from Franz Liszt. Dante Sonata." She hates the way her voice starts trembling under the scrutinizing eye of her grandparents. She had hoped she would have gotten used to the looks she gets from them when they are talking about music. 

"Ah, my favorite," Titus says happily. 

Nia nods. "We will finish dessert and then you can let us hear what you have been working on." 

Lexa musters a smile on her face and tries to eat her dessert. It is in vain. She can't get the food down her throat. The nerves have made her throat go dry and it already affects her breathing. Without Titus or Nia noticing, she tries to keep her breathing under control. The last thing she wants is for them to witness a panic attack. 

Nia starts cleaning the table even though Lexa didn't finish her dessert. She had actually forgotten about it, so she looks surprised when the plate in front of her is taken away. 

"You don't want your dessert?" Nia asks with an undertone Lexa can't really put her finger on. 

Lexa only shakes her head. Her throat is still dry and she doesn't trust her voice to form coherent words. 

"Very good," Nia says with a forced smile on her face. "Dessert is never good for you." 

Lexa doesn't even react. Her mind is already busy with the piece on the piano. 

 

Once everything is cleaned, they move to the living room. A huge, shiny black piano is standing next to the big windows. The couch and armchairs are arranged in a way that the person sitting, can watch the pianist. 

Lexa has lost count of how many times she had sat behind the piano, entertaining her grandparent's guest or an important figure from the music scene they had over for dinner. She is only nervous when her grandparents are listening and watching. If they aren't in the audience, she doesn't have a problem with playing. She even enjoys it. However, with her grandparent's scrutinizing eyes on her the fun quickly disappears. 

While taking a deep breath Lexa takes a seat at the piano stool. She places her fingers on the black and white keys of the piano. Before she begins to play, she tries to block out her grandparents. She feels their eyes on her and she has to stop her fingers from trembling. She sighs one last time and then completely focuses on the piece that is in her head. 

Her fingers start dancing over the keys and her whole body follows. It feels good. She knows it sounds good. She doesn't even think about her grandparents anymore. The only thing that exist in that moment is herself, the piano and the sounds it produces. Everything goes great and she enjoys it, until it doesn't go well anymore. She misses a beat. It is small and she is sure almost everyone would have missed the little mess up. Her grandparents, however, never miss a mistake. 

"Stop," she hears the irritated voice from Titus. 

She stops playing and removes her hands from the keys. For a second, she closes her eyes and hopes there aren't any tears welling up. After she has recomposed herself a bit, she turns around to face Nia and Titus. 

They are both sitting in an arm chair. Nia has her legs crossed and looks at Lexa with a disapproving look. Titus stands up and walks over to Lexa. She doesn't cower away, although she really wants to. 

"You made a mistake," Titus says once he is standing next to her. 

Lexa nods. 

"Words, please," Nia's voice reverberates trough the now silent living room. 

Lexa swallows so she can regain her voice. "You are right, I made a mistake." 

"It ruined the flow of this beautiful piece. It would pain the composer to hear you ruin it like that." Titus gives her a slap on the back of her head. It isn't a playful slap that she sometimes sees friends give each other. It isn't really hard either. The slap just catches her off guard and she shrinks away. 

"Get your head in it again. We don't want to hear you make such beginner mistakes," Titus snarls in her ear. 

"It won't happen again," Lexa reassures them with a tremble in her voice. 

Titus returns to his chair. "Good. Again!" 

Lexa recomposes herself and tries to relax a bit before she starts again. She plays well, but she doesn't enjoy it anymore. The only thing she can think about are her grandparents and their opinion. She passes the point where she messed up the last time, but not much later she makes a mistake again. Her fingers are trembling too much to play the piece properly. 

"Stop!" Titus interrupts her. This time he stays seated. "Again!" 

Lexa starts playing again, but she isn't focused anymore. She just wants to finish the piece, which is why she starts playing faster. Too fast. 

"Alexandria!" Nia stops her this time. "Again." 

She takes a deep breath and starts again. Once again, she doesn't get far. 

"Again!" 

Deep breath. Start again. 

She finishes the piece, but she knows it isn't perfect and it has to be perfect. 

Titus sighs and Nia shakes her head. Lexa turns around and keeps sitting straight as if she isn't affected by her grandparents. She puts her hands under her legs, so Nia and Titus don't see her trembling hands. 

"Alexandria," Nia begins with a sigh. "You begin to slack. This is exactly what we feared when you decided to stop performing." 

Titus nods. "This happens when you throw away your future. You will turn out to be just like your mother." 

"Don't talk about her," Lexa whispers. She feels the tears balancing on her eyelids and isn't able to look at her grandparents. Her eyes turn downwards. She knows she fucked up and the shame and self-hatred start spreading through her body. Her grandparent's remarks make her doubt every choice she has ever made. She doesn't want to turn into her mother, but she doesn't want a career as concert pianist either. She has no idea what she wants and this only increases the number of tears. 

"We have contacted a teacher. She will join us for dinner next time," Titus tells her. 

"She sounded very excited to work with you and get you on the right path again," Nia adds with a weird smile on her face. 

A smiling Nia is almost scarier than an angry one. 

Lexa regards her with a suspicious look. "Do I know this teacher?" 

Titus shakes his head. "No, you don't, but she has done magnificent work with students who lack motivation. I am sure she will help you through whatever rebellious phase you are going through right now." 

Lexa's mouth falls open. "You think this is a phase?" 

"Yes, we do," Nia answers as if she is dealing with a difficult child. "Your mother went through them all the time, so we recognized it immediately." 

Just the mention of her mother makes Lexa's tears dwell up again. She hates how easily she starts crying in front of her grandparents. It makes her feel weak and vulnerable while she wants to appear strong and independent. If she doesn't, her grandparents will never leave her alone. They will continue pushing her to get a contract with an orchestra or a music company and Lexa made a deliberate choice to stay away from that world. She just wanted to enjoy playing the piano without the pressure of being considered as something close to a prodigy child. It puts so much pressure on every performance that it takes away everything she loves about the piano. Lexa had tried multiple times to make her grandparents understand, but they never listen to her. They are afraid she will turn out to be exactly like her mother, which is why they keep bringing her up. 

"Stop mentioning her!" Lexa shouts at Nia. It is the first time she has really raised her voice against her grandparents. She looks just as shocked as they do. 

"We won't," Nia replies with a much softer tone. It is a tone Lexa has never really heard of her. "Because you are starting to act just like her and we can't lose you too." 

Lexa doesn't even react. Instead, she runs out of the house. The tears are now rolling down her cheeks and she doesn't want Titus and Nia to see her crying like a pathetic child. They always hated it when she cried. She could practice during the times she wasted crying. Her mother cried a lot, which is one of the only things Lexa remembers about her. The endless streams of tears that left her mother's eyes during her periods of depression. Lexa didn't know about depression then and she blamed herself. She started practicing harder, because playing the piano always brought a smile to her mother's face. It has been so long since she played for her mother. Once she fully lived with her grandparents, they didn't let her visit her mom. Lexa listened without hesitating. She was always taught to just accept what her grandparents told her. Only a few years ago she started to think for herself and not just do what her grandparents told her to do. It felt liberating. 

Lexa unlocks her car and starts to drive home. The tears are still floating on her eyelids. Nia and Titus always told her not to drive if she was frustrated or sad and she is doing exactly that. It makes her feel free and it has been so long since she felt like that. 

 

XXX 

Lexa finally arrives home again. She drags herself up the stairs to the floor of her flat. The night has drained her and she feels so extremely tired. If only the tears would stop falling. Her crying has subdued, but there still occasionally falls a tear down her cheek. She is past the point of caring about how she looks, even though she is sure that her mascara is down her cheeks by now. 

She turns around the corner of the hallway while searching for her keys in her bag, when she spots her. 

Clarke. 

She is slumped against the door. Her legs are stretched in front of her and her head is hanging to the side. Her eyes are half open, so she is awake. Lexa doesn't smell the odour of alcohol, but she is sure Clarke has been drinking. Clarke only visits her when she is drunk and Lexa can't find it in herself to hate her for it. She only feels pity for the blonde girl, but she will never admit that. Feeling pity means she cares about Clarke and that isn't something she does. She never really cares about anyone. Anya is an exception of course. And maybe Lincoln on a good day, but most of the time she feels indifferent to anyone's wellbeing. 

She has always blamed her grandparents for her stoic character, but she is starting to realize that maybe this is just who she is. An uncaring and unloving person. Yet, as an uncaring person she helps Clarke up her feet and helps her enter her small studio. 

There are tears staining Clarke's cheeks too and Lexa feels a weird connection the her. Being fucked up together is definitely better than being fucked up alone. 

She lays Clarke down on her bed and takes of her shoes. Just like the first time, she wants to change Clarke into some comfortable pajamas, but she can't bring herself to move. She just plops down next to her and she immediately falls asleep, not noticing how her arm is around Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long compared to the other chapters. I had such an chaotic week due to college.  
> It is late where I live, so sorry if there are any mistakes. 
> 
> Please let me know if you liked it. I appreciate all your kudo's, comments etc. I'm curious to know what you guys thought about this chapter. It is a bit different from the ones before :)
> 
> xxx


	8. Chapter 8

Clarke wakes up in a familiar bed with a familiar headache. This time, however, is different. There is an arm around her middle, keeping her close to the body next to her. Lexa's body. Clarke has no idea what to do, so she continues laying stock-still. Despite her headache that is trying to dull her senses, she can feel everything. She feels Lexa's breath in her neck, which creates goosebumps all over her body, but she isn't cold. Lexa keeps her warm and Clarke tries to ignore the comfortable and warm feeling that is spreading through her body while lying in Lexa's arms. She blames it on the alcohol that must still be circulating through her system. 

Laying there with Lexa makes her forget about Finn. Makes her forget about everything else that went wrong in her life. She doesn't want to think about the meaning of all this. Maybe Lexa is just a snuggler in bed and this has happened the previous times they slept in the same bed, but she just didn't notice it because Lexa woke up before she did. 

Her heart seems to stop beating when she feels Lexa moving behind her. She holds her breath while closing her eyes. She closes her eyes so tight that she starts to see stars, but she doesn't open them. Lexa can make the first move, it is her arm around Clarke after all. 

Once Lexa notices the position of her arm, she immediately pulls away. This goes with so much force that Clarke is turned around and she opens her eyes out of shock. The first thing she sees are Lexa's beautiful green eyes that have turned a bit red as if she has been crying the night before. Has she? Clarke knows she has been crying, but she has no idea what happened to Lexa. She remembers everything from last night, which is quite an achievement, but she doesn't remember seeing Lexa cry. 

"Hi," Clarke says awkwardly just to break the heavy silence that was starting to become suffocating. 

Lexa looks at her like she doesn't understand her. "Hi," she replies hesitantly. 

They look at each other in silence. It causes a weird feeling inside Clarke. She wants to look away, but at the same time she isn't able to break the eye-contact. They lay there for a few minutes, but it could have been hours. In the end, Lexa looks away and leaves the bed, leaving Clarke with a cold feeling. 

Instead of watching how Lexa moves around her kitchen, she joins her. They stand next to each other without saying anything. Lexa starts boiling water, Clarke passes her two mugs. While Lexa is pouring the water in the mugs, Clarke grabs the tea bags from the cabinet. It is domestic. Too domestic. 

Once their tea is ready to drink, they take a seat at opposite sides of the table. Silence is still surrounding them while they drink their tea. Lexa gulps down the last bit of the liquid before roughly putting her mug down. She looks at Clarke with those fascinated eyes again. 

"What are you doing here, Clarke?" 

Clarke opens her mouth to answer and then closes it again. Is she ready to tell Lexa everything that transpired with Finn yesterday? She doesn't even want to tell Octavia and Raven, but why is she considering telling Lexa about it? The chance that Lexa will mock her about it, is pretty big. However, she gets the idea that Lexa will understand how she feels. How afraid she is to let go of Finn. To face life on her own for the first time in years. 

"I don't know," she whispers defeated. 

Lexa keeps looking at her with those big, green eyes. 

"Why were you drinking last night?" she asks accusingly. 

It almost feels like an intervention and Clarke feels herself getting defensive. "Am I not allowed to have fun?" 

Lexa rolls her eyes and leans backwards. "Why do you make everything so difficult?" 

"I'm just asking a question." 

Lexa chuckles without any humor. "So, was I." 

Clarke knows Lexa is right. She simply asked a question and Clarke immediately starts defending herself without any reason to. Lexa deserves an explanation. Clarke can't continue returning to Lexa without telling her what is going on in her life. 

She gathers all the courage she can find in herself and looks Lexa straight in the eye. 

"Finn -," Clarke starts, but Lexa interrupts her as soon as his name leaves her mouth. 

"Oh my god," she shouts frustrated. 

She expects Lexa to laugh at her or make a sarcastic remark. She hopes she will react with understanding and offer Clarke advice. What she didn't think would happen is that Lexa would become frustrated. 

"I saw him yesterday," Clarke justifies her reaction. 

"Really, Clarke?" Lexa sounds almost angry. 

Clarke feels dread settling in her stomach. She ruined the strange domestic atmosphere that they had created. Of course, she can't stop herself from ruining something good. It appears it is the only thing she is good at lately. 

"What?" she asks timidly. She can't look Lexa in the eye anymore and looks to her mug instead. 

She sees Lexa shaking her head from the corner of her eye. "He cheated. Grow up and just get over it!" 

Clarke blinks. "Am I not allowed to be heartbroken?"  
Lexa sighs irritated. "You act like your life is completely over. It's just really pathetic and frustrating to watch. I'm admiring your friends for enduring your self-pity for so long." 

Clarke's mouth falls open. "Excuse, me? At least I have feelings, which is something you seem to lack." 

Clarke doesn't even feel guilty about fighting with Lexa again. It feels good to get all the anger and frustration out of her system. It doesn't even have anything to do with Lexa. She just happens to be there at a time when Clarke really wants to shout and yell at someone. 

"I don't care. At least, I'm not drinking myself in a stupor every chance I get because my stupid boyfriend left me," Lexa bites back. 

This time, it is Clarke who rolls her eyes. "As if you never drink to just forget something. I bet that you would have grabbed a bottle of alcohol if I wasn't here last night." 

Lexa pushes her chair back and grabs the mugs to put them in the sink. She turns around and looks at Clarke with a bored and arrogant expression. "Just shut your mouth. Every time you say something it just sounds stupid." 

Clarke doesn't bite. She knows Lexa is trying to get a rise out of her. It feels strange. It used to be Clarke who was antagonizing Lexa, now the roles seem to have reversed. Clarke stands up too and positions herself so that she is standing right in front of Lexa. 

"You want everyone to think you're above it all, but I see right through you," she says while backing Lexa up until she is pushed against the kitchen counter. It makes her feel powerful and she loves it. It is the first time she feels in control with Lexa. 

Lexa swallows and searches for an answer. "Get out," she eventually snaps back, but it sounds weak and vulnerable. "And never accuse me of being an alcoholic again." 

Clarke steps away to give Lexa room to breathe again. She stands in the middle of the studio and suddenly it feels much bigger than she thought it was. Or she feels smaller. She wants to leave, but at the same time she wants to return to bed with Lexa's arm around her. 

"Fine," she snarls while grabbing her stuff and making her way over to the door. Lexa follows to unlock the door. They don't say anything, but Clarke feels the words burning in her throat. She wants to say something. She hates how the conversation turned out and wants to fix it, because deep down she knows Lexa was speaking the truth. Her life isn't over just because Finn cheated, but why doesn't it feel that way? 

Clarke keeps stalling at the door. Lexa has already opened it to almost literally throw her out. Her face is still as stoic as ever, but her eyes betray her. They are sad, lonely and even a bit scared. It is something Clarke notices more and more. She has no idea what is going on in Lexa's life, but she feels for her. If she thinks about it, she never sees Lexa with friends. Sure, she spends time with Anya and sometimes with Lincoln, but that is it. 

"Look, Lexa," Clarke starts as soft as possible. 

It clearly takes Lexa by surprise. "It's okay," she immediately replies without even knowing what Clarke was about to say. 

Clarke shakes her head. She feels tears starting to form in her eyes. Why is she about to cry? She has no idea. Everything is just too much. "I'm sorry about - " 

What is she even sorry about? About fighting with Lexa? That is as much on Lexa as it is on her. 

"I'm just sorry," she concludes. 

Lexa lifts her hand as if she is about to touch Clarke, but she drops it eventually. Her eyes keep going from Clarke to the empty hallway behind her. 

"It's okay," Lexa says again. 

This time, Clarke nods. "Okay." 

They are silent again while they look at each other and avoid eye-contact at the same time. Clarke just wants to shout. She doesn't understand anything that is going on and it is frustrating. Why does she still hate Lexa, but is also intrigued by her at the same time. Lexa's presence and look are becoming too much. She needs to leave like she was told to. 

"Bye and thank you for letting me stay here," she says with a tremble in her voice. She has to blink a few times to get rid of the tears in her eyes. If only it was possible not to feel such strong emotions around Lexa. 

Lexa only nods and Clarke turns around. She doesn't look back or wave. This time was definitely the last time she stayed over. The last thing she needs right now is the whirlwind of emotions she feels every time she leaves Lexa's studio. She just needs to get her life back on track and then these weird trips to Lexa's aren't necessary anymore. 

She is almost at the corner of the hallway when she hears Lexa shout her name. 

"Clarke!" 

Clarke doesn't turn around, she just stands still and waits for Lexa to continue. 

"You are always welcome here." 

She doesn't react, but she is sure Lexa knows she heard her. She doesn't look back, because she knows this isn't the last time she will see Lexa standing in her doorway. Clarke just can't help it. 

 

XXX 

 

Clarke walks through the apartment with Octavia. The estate agent is standing expectantly in a corner to give her the space to look around. Clarke pretends to look interested, but she already knows this isn't going to be the one. It just doesn't feel right. 

Octavia and Clarke walk to the bathroom to look around one more time and to escape the watchful eye of the estate agent. 

Clarke shakes her head when she sees Octavia's questioning glance. 

"What, why not?" Octavia asks surprised. She leans against the sink with her arms crossed in front of her. "I like the apartment and thanks to your mom, it is within your budget." 

Clarke shrugs. "I just don't like it." 

Octavia lets out an impatient huff of air. She walks to the door to look if the estate agent is leaving them alone. He can be quite persuasive and Clarke almost bought a house she didn't even want, but he is the best so Clarke deals with him. 

When she sees the estate agent is on his phone, she turns to Clarke again. "Well, why don't you like it. And be precise, so no atmosphere or feelings crap." 

"It's just not what I had in mind," Clarke answers already knowing Octavia isn't going to accept her answer. 

"Then tell me what you had in mind, because I believe this is everything you were describing," Octavia tells her with a strict tone. 

Clarke knows she is right. She has quite a wish-list, so it is a wonder that their agent hasn't already given up. All the apartments they visited just aren't right. Clarke knows why, but she isn't ready to admit it aloud. Octavia doesn't need to know that no apartment can even come close to Lexa's studio. 

"Just not this," Clarke answers sighing. 

Octavia nods. "Okay. I suggest we stop this house hunting for now and wait until you know what you want." 

Clarke always hates it when she can't shut her mouth and blurts out things that will have negative consequences, which is exactly what happens. 

"But I know what I want." 

Clarke has never seen Octavia turn her head so fast. Her eyes snap up to Clarke. "Well, tell me. We all know we aren't going to find anything with that asshole over there." She is pointing with her thumb towards the living room where their estate agent is still on his phone. 

Octavia deserves an answer. She has been so sweet to go with Clarke to every house they visited. Clarke feels the blush starting to creep up her cheeks. 

"I like Lexa's studio," she mumbles quietly. It is a wonder that Octavia even understands what she is saying. 

"Lexa?" she shouts shocked. Her eyes are wide and her mouth hangs open. She shakes her head full of unbelieve. "Lexa's studio. It just keeps getting worse and worse," she mutters under her breath. 

Clarke smiles awkwardly. "She has a really nice studio. I liked staying there." 

Octavia stops pacing and looks Clarke straight in the eyes. "You liked the apartment or you liked staying with Lexa. That is an important difference." 

"Maybe a bit of both." 

Clarke thought it was impossible for Octavia's eyes to widen even further, but it happens. She has no idea how to stand. The situation has suddenly become very awkward and uncomfortable and Clarke wishes she had never blurted out that she liked Lexa's flat. Actually, she wishes she never walked in on Finn cheating. Only so she could pretend a little bit longer that their relationship was perfect and she would just have a place to stay. 

"Clarke," Octavia snaps her out of her thoughts. "Are we talking about the same Lexa. Bitchy Lexa. I-hope-she-disappears-soon Lexa?" 

Clarke feels the same kind of anger burning inside her like she did at the dinner when her friends were talking about Lexa. It is a strange sort of protectiveness and Clarke has no idea when that started, but she knows it feels natural. Like she is made to protect Lexa from all the bad in the world, because somehow her perspective of Lexa has changed. She still thinks Lexa can be a bitch most of the time, but it is the moments when she comes across as vulnerable and broken that Clarke remembers. 

"Just stop it, O," Clarke tries to say strong and confident, but it comes out weak. She, however, doesn't let it go. Clarke straightens her back and doesn't look away. "She isn't even that bad." 

Octavia shakes her head. "You've completely lost it. A few months ago you couldn't stop complaining about her and now you suddenly are her best friend?" 

A frustrated sigh leaves Clarke's mouth. Why do her friends see everything so black-and-white? "No, that is not it. I just think Lexa isn't so bad as we think she is." 

Clarke leaves the bathroom before Octavia can answer. She needs some fresh air and room to think. Her thoughts are stumbling over each other and it causes a mild headache between her eyes. She doesn't even look at the beautiful apartment before letting the estate agent know they are done for today. He looks at her with a confused and slightly irritated expression, but wisely decides not to say anything. Clarke doesn't wait for him to show her out. She just leaves the studio and finds the way out of the building on her own. 

She isn't even really angry at Octavia. After all, she has to admit that Lexa didn't make it easy for them to like her with her moody behavior and her cruel remarks. She is actually angry at herself and that is hard to admit. She is angry because she keeps on returning to Lexa's studio and somehow liking it there. Angry because even though the break-up was a few months ago, she still doesn't have her life together. This time Lexa isn't there to take her anger out on, but Octavia happened to be there. 

She really needs to stop taking her anger out on her friends. And Lexa. Clarke is sure Octavia understands, but she still feels the need to apologize. So, she waits outside the building, which she couldn't wait to leave behind, and just hopes Octavia will return soon. This is actually the last thing she has time for. She is still studying medicine and that doesn't stop just because her personal life is a mess. Luckily, this semester has rather easy courses, so she doesn't need to invest as much time in studying as she did last semester. She can use the time to ruin her life even further. 

Octavia leaves the building with the estate agent by her side. Clarke hears her apologizing before the agent walks away. Octavia waits a few seconds and then makes her way over to Clarke, which she does on purpose. Clarke knows this. Those few seconds are enough of a punishment and revenge for Octavia to let it slide. 

"Don't sweat it, Griffin," she says once she walks next to Clarke. 

Clarke smiles gratefully at Octavia. She is happy she has such amazing friends. Somehow, she is starting to consider Lexa as one of her friends and not just her longtime enemy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit of a turning point and can be considered as the end of part 1.  
> I am busy with my finals this week, so I have no idea when I will update, but probably still somewhere this week. 
> 
> Hopefully, you liked this chapter!! Let me know :) 
> 
> Have a nice week!
> 
> xxx


	9. Chapter 9

Lexa hears key jangling, followed by the opening of the lock on her door. Only Anya has a spare key for her door, so Lexa already knows who it is. She doesn't react when Anya enters her apartment and continues playing the keyboard with her headphones on. However, Anya's movement is too distracting and from the corner of her eye she watches how she takes her coat off and throws it over the armchair. When she notices Anya trying to make eye-contact, she quickly averts her gaze back to the keyboard in front of her. 

The next dinner with her grandparents and their guest, who apparently is some teacher, is looming over her. If she makes a mistake while playing for only her grandparents, it is bad, but it doesn't have real consequences. She just feels awful afterwards. It is different when she makes a mistake with someone important in the audience. Lexa still remembers the times when she messed up and she had to play the piece again and again until she could play it flawlessly three times in a row. Later, she would cry in bed, because Nia and Titus hated it when she cried while she was playing. 

Lexa keeps ignoring Anya. She wants to be alone and she needs to be if she wants to practice seriously. Anya leans with her hands on the table and bends over, so she is at eye level with Lexa, who keeps her eyes on the sheet music in front of her. She has been practicing for hours and still can't remember the notes. It's frustrating and Lexa feels a burning feeling in the pit of her stomach. Anya disrupting her practice doesn't really help reducing her anger and frustration. 

She sees Anya shaking her head before she grabs the sheet music and throws it away. The sheets flutter on the floor. Lexa looks from the paper to Anya and back again. 

"What is wrong with you?" she shouts angry. 

Anya removes the headphones from her head with force. "What's wrong with me? You are the one who has been ignoring my texts and calls since Friday." 

Lexa rolls her eyes. She should have known Anya came by to see why she has been ignoring her for three days. As if Anya doesn't already know. 

"I've been busy." 

Anya shakes her head again and sighs frustrated. "Busy? After dinner with your grandparents?" 

"Yeah, something wrong with that?" Lexa asks curtly. She has no time for Anya's speech about how friends are supposed to behave. Lexa has never been good at being friends, so she doubts that will change any time soon. 

Anya sits down in the seat opposite of Lexa. "Lex," she starts concerned, but without any pity in her voice. She knows how much Lexa hates that. "You always get like this when something happenes between you and your grandparents. So, spill." 

"Am I not allowed to practice?" 

The words sound awfully familiar in her head. She remembers Clarke asking if she was not allowed to be heartbroken. Lexa asks something different, but the feeling is practically the same. 

"Of course, you are," Anya answers. She searches for words and Lexa already knows she doesn't want to hear it. "But you can't let it control your life. I know how obsessive you can get when your grandparents are pushing you too hard." 

It is true and Lexa knows it, but she doesn't want to confront herself about it right now. It is easier to pretend that Anya is wrong. 

"Maybe if you got a life of your own, you won't be so invested in mine." 

Her voice is biting and harsh. Lexa hardly uses this tone with Anya and she cringes when she hears herself speak. 

Anya takes a step back as if the words physically hit her. She doesn't really look hurt, but there is something in her eyes that Lexa doesn't like. It resembles something close to disappointment and Lexa looks away ashamed. 

"You're being a bitch," Anya states. She grabs her coat and puts it on again. "Just do what you need to do to snap out of it and please only contact me if you resolve whatever crisis you're having." 

Anya already has her hand on the door handle when Lexa speaks up. "They brought her up." Her voice is so much softer compared to her tone a few seconds ago. She sounds like the insecure teenager again; whose mother was alive even though her grandparents always acted as if she was dead. 

This time there is pity on Anya's face, but Lexa doesn't even see it. She is too lost in her memories to notice. 

"Then you definitely know what to do. You got this," 

Lexa doesn't even have time to answer. Anya exits the studio within a second and closes the door behind her. Lexa stares at the door while the conversation repeats itself in her head. "Do what you always do." Lexa knows what Anya means by that, but doesn't want to admit that to herself. It means doing something she has been putting off for a while. 

Lexa decides to just get it over with. She will never say it out loud, but Anya is right most of the time. Lexa puts on her leather jacket and grabs her keys. "Damn you, Anya," she mumbles when she leaves the apartment to do what Anya told her.

 

XXX 

 

Clarke looks around fascinated while waiting outside a gallery. Wells is in town and it is their tradition to visit a new gallery each time he returns from his university one the other side of the country. This time, they decided to go to a new gallery in a part of the city where she doesn't go often. It is known as the bad part of the city and normally she would stay far away from it. However, the mayor had decided to invest in the neighborhood and the gallery is an important part of the plan to give the neighborhood a boost. 

She wanted to visit for a while and going with Wells to a gallery was always something she enjoyed. They have a very different vision on art and she loves to hear his opinion and reflect on her own. 

A big smile appeares on her face once she sees Wells approaching. She embraces him and doesn't let go for a few seconds. 

He just laughs and hugs her back. "It has been a long time." 

Clarke lets him go with a sigh. "You're right." 

The cold November air forces them to move their reunion inside. Wells holds the door open for her. If somebody saw them, they would rightfully think she and Wells were on a date, but Clarke has known him since kindergarten. He is the childhood best friend you will always remember and Clarke considers herself lucky to be still in contact with him. 

They walk around the gallery and Wells fills her in on everything that has been happening in his live. He tells her about dating a girl from the music academy that is connected to his university. Clarke makes him promise to bring her to the Christmas party at Jaha's house. 

The time flies while they talk and analyze various paintings. It feels like old times and Clarke loves it. She doesn't have to worry about being practically homeless or about the fact that her boyfriend cheated on her. With Wells, she can pretend to be in high school again, where everything seemed so complicated, but in fact was very simple. 

After walking around the gallery for two hours, they take a seat on a bench near the exit. A silence falls over them while they observe the last painting from the gallery. 

"You've been pretty quiet," Wells remarks after a few minutes have passed. "Is everything okay?" 

Clarke loves that Wells knows her so well, but at the same time she hates it. Her answer is only a deep sigh. They are silent again. Clarke is searching words to explain her current situation and Wells is as patient as ever when waiting for her to answer. 

"It's been a mess lately," Clarke admits reluctantly. "Finn cheated. I am living with my mom again, although I am more gone than that I am at home. There is this person I hate, but am starting to like suddenly. And everything is just ..." Clarke stops rambling for a second. She has no idea how to describe her life right now. Like she said, it is a mess, but she isn't necessarily unhappy about it. She feels herself escaping from the downward spiral she was slowly falling into. 

"Strange," she finishes her sentence with. 

Wells nods. "That is definitely a lot of changes." 

"Yeah," Clarke sighs, still deep in thought. 

"I think change is good. You were too young to never have change in your life again," he says before standing up and readjusting his button-down. 

Clarke smiles at him. "I think you're right." 

Well's words remind her of Lexa telling her that her life isn't over just because Finn cheated on her. The difference is that Wells tells her that with an encouraging smile and Lexa more or less screamed it at her, but the message is still the same. 

They leave the gallery while talking about Clarke's latest courses at the university. After walking a few blocks through the unfamiliar neighborhood, they pass a small café. It is remarkable that they didn't miss it. The café looks like a normal house with no big windows or signboard. It only caught their attention because of the stainless white door, which forms a stark contrast with the black window frame. 

"I could use some coffee," Wells says while looking through the window to see if there is a table free for them. 

Clarke is already pushing the door open. "Same." 

 

XXX

Lexa is looking at the building on the other side of the street. It is still as ugly as she remembered. The building had a dark brown color brick and the window frames and door desperately needed some paint, which didn't make the community center very inviting. Still, Lexa spend most of her time here when she was still living with her mother and even after she moved in with her grandparents. 

This used to be her neighborhood with the dilapidated old buildings and abandoned playgrounds where dealers had built their business. It is still the same, despite the money invested by the mayor. Lexa, however, isn't. She doesn't feel at home here anymore. As a kid, she wasn't afraid of someone walking by with a dark hoodie to cover their head, but now she can feel her heart making a little jump when someone passes her by. It makes her realize how sheltered she has become once she started living with her grandparents in the best neighborhood of the city. 

It stings every time she returns to this part of the city. This is where she was born and where her mother probably still lives. It feels wrong to not like it anymore. The only place she still feels at home, is the community center with its loving atmosphere. 

She takes a deep breath and then crosses the road to enter the building. After opening the door, a strong wave of hot air hits her. They always had the heating a bit too high. In a straight line, she walks towards the room she visited frequently. When she opens the door, a big man turns around. Everything about the man is intimidating. He has a long, black beard. His long hair has the same color as his beard. He is tall and very muscular. Lexa will never forget how scared she was of him the first time she met him. 

That changes when he starts smiling. The goofy smile doesn't match with his appearance, but it always puts her at ease. 

"Lexa!" he greets her excited. 

He doesn't hug her. His years of experience at the community center have taught him that most kids there don't like to be touched. 

"Hi, Gustus," Lexa greets back with a shy smile on her face. She walks closer to him while he grabs a chair from a table nearby. 

"Please, sit." He gestures to the chair with his big smile still visible. 

Lexa does as he says and takes a seat at the highly uncomfortable chair. The cushion is so old that is has lost all comfort. The chairs were donated during the period she first started coming here. They were already second-hand and they are still used almost twenty years later. It is a wonder the chairs aren't falling apart. 

"It's been a long time since you've come by to visit," Gustus remarks, but it isn't a reproach. He is just stating a fact, because she has been avoiding this place for a long time. The last time she visited was when she was still attending the music academy, which she graduated from more than a year ago. 

"Yeah," Lexa trails off. She knows she doesn't have to apologize, but she still does. "I'm sorry." 

Gustus starts shaking his head, causing his beard and long hair to swing. "No, no. Don't be sorry. You aren't obligated to come here." 

Lexa just shrugs. She knows she has no obligation to Gustus or the community service, but it is her only connection to her mother, which makes it still a bit of an obligation to visit the center sometimes. She has no idea what to answer.

Gustus is used to her silence by now. It doesn't bother him and he never forces her to talk. He is one of the most patient men she has ever met. It creates a relaxed atmosphere in which she doesn't have to worry about being reprimanded every second, like she does with her grandparents. Lexa has no idea why she doesn't visit more often. She likes it here. It is home. 

"How have you been?" Gustus askes while rearranging the papers that were laying on one of the tables. "Did you get signed by some fancy company?" 

Lexa can't look him in the eye. Even here, they had great expectations of her. She immediately knows why she didn't visit much sooner. The disappointment that will surely cross his face in a second is not something she wants to see. All she wants is to meet everyone's expectations and make them happy, while also being happy herself. Apparently, that is too much to ask. 

"No," she answers so soft it is almost inaudible. "I actually stopped performing." 

Gustus stops with putting away the papers in his hands and stands stock-still. It is silent for a few seconds. He doesn't look at her and Lexa isn't sure she wants him to. She already looks away just to be sure she doesn't have to see his expression. The old piano in the corner of the room catches her eye. It is where she learnt to play and it hurts her to look at it. How would her life have been if she didn't play some random melody when she was five years old? 

"How come?" 

Gustus snaps her out of her trance and she buries her memories far away again. 

"I didn't feel it anymore." 

She just hopes Gustus doesn't react. The last thing she wants is to hear his disapproval of her choice to practically throw her future away. Her future which she has been building since she played her first notes. 

Gustus only nods. "Okay." 

Lexa looks astonished. "Okay?" 

This time, it is Gustus who shrugs. "No passion can do more harm than no talent. Always remember that, Lexa." 

Lexa nods while she repeats his words in his head. It takes away the doubt about her choice she had been starting to feel again and she instantly feels better. A weight is lift off her shoulders. She realizes this is something she had to do a long time ago. The piano in the corner attracts her attention again. She feels her fingers itching to play, which is a feeling she hasn't felt in a long time. The last few weeks it has been slowly returning and it feels so comfortably familiar. Maybe a certain blonde has something to do with it, but Lexa doesn't want to admit that. It is a part of her she will deal with later. 

Gustus sees her looking at the piano. "You should play something. Show your old teacher how much better you are than him," he laughs. 

A small smile appears on Lexa's face. She almost runs to her old piano. The piano stool creaks when she takes a seat. The sound is like it used to be and she loves it. She wiggles her fingers to warm them up. 

Gustus leans with one arm against the piano. A proud smile on his face. Lexa feels like a teenager again. A teenager who fled to this piano to practice without the watch-full eye of her grandparents. Here, she could practice and hear an encouragement after she messed up and not get reprimanded. 

She places her fingers on the keys, but doesn't start playing. She sits in that position for a few seconds, what starts to feel like minutes while she gathers the courage to ask the question that she actually came here for. Gustus looks at her patiently. He probably already knows what she wants to ask and he lets her be in her own thoughts. 

Lexa swallows a few times and hopes she didn't lose her voice. 

"How is she?" 

Her voice sounds timid and she hates the sob-like sound that leaves her throat. Her heart seems to stop beating as she waits for an answer. She has no idea what she wants to hear. Her mother is alive, which is the only thing she knows. Her grandparents didn't allow her to have contact with her. At the same time, they forbid her to go to the community center, but she still did. It was her own choice too to have no contact with her mother and she can't help but feel guilty about it. 

Gustus looks at her with those loving brown eyes. "She is doing well, actually. She has been trying to get sober." 

Lexa nods her head. The tears start welling up in her eyes, but she isn't going to shed any tears about her mother. She is done with that. With a lot effort, she forces her face to have a stoic expression. 

"Again?" 

Gustus sighs before answering. "She is trying, Lexa and she would love to see you." 

Lexa doesn't react. What does Gustus expect her to do with this information? She hopes he tells her, because she has no idea. They are silent again. He is giving her the time to react like the patient man he has always been, but Lexa doesn't feel the need to answer. 

Eventually, Gustus breaks the silence. "Why don't you play something and then get us some coffee?" 

Lexa nods, grateful that the conversation is over. "Do you have any recommendations, because we both know the coffee here is shit." 

His loud laugh fills the quiet room. Lexa Just chuckles, but only because she loves the sight of a laughing Gustus. 

"There is this new place. It has a very bright, white door. Hard to miss. I hear it has great coffee," he tells her and Lexa nods while thinking about what song to play first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been pretty busy this week, so sorry if there are any mistakes.  
> Unfortunately, no interaction between Clarke and Lexa, but that will happen next chapter!!
> 
> This chapter was more of a filler chapter to move to plot forward, but I hope you still liked it!  
> Please let me know if you did :)
> 
> xxx


	10. Chapter 10

Clarke takes a sip from her second cup of coffee in the same café. It is definitely one of the most delicious coffee she has ever tasted. Wells left a few minutes ago, because he had to run some errands. Clarke wanted to leave too, but she couldn't resist buying herself an extra cup. Her finals are in two weeks and she has to start studying next week, so she thinks she deserves a small moment of peace before she has to study all day. 

She was stirring absently in her coffee while taking in her surroundings. The coffeeshop wasn't near any place she frequented, so it wasn't very likely she would visit the café again, which was a shame. It had an industrial design, but the accessories gave it a warm feeling. The usual sounds of a coffeeshop have a calming effect instead of creating a stressful atmosphere. She actually really likes it. 

Clarke hears the door open when she was about to take the next sip from her coffee. Her back is to the entrance, so she can't see who has entered. It doesn't really interest her either. The coffeeshop is busy and crowded. There are so many customers that every few minutes somebody either enters or leaves. The constant flow of people isn't really distracting like she thought it would be. 

The newest customer, which Clarke heard entering, is ordering something at the counter. She has beautiful long brown hair and her posture is very straight. The way she holds herself is very interesting and Clarke can't look away. Her eyes are drawn to this girl and this is when she starts to see some familiar features. 

Her heart skips a beat. The customer couldn't be Lexa, right? What would she be doing here? Lexa is the last person she expected to see here, but at the same time, Lexa probably doesn't expect to see her either. Clarke starts bouncing her knee while contemplating what to do. She is in a fight-or-flight mode. Lexa is about to turn around and Clarke still isn't sure if she wants Lexa to see her or not. It is inevitable that Lexa will see her once she turns around. Clarke is sitting right in her path. 

Clarke is curious as to why Lexa is here, so she decides to stay and not run to the bathroom. There is still a chance that Lexa won't see her, and if she does, it is most likely she will ignore her. Although, Clarke isn't so sure about that anymore. It has become harder to read Lexa. She was already unable to fathom, but at least Clarke was certain that Lexa didn't like her. Somehow, that has changed. 

She watches how Lexa turns around and she holds her breath once intense green eyes pierce through her. The surprise is visible in Lexa's eyes and Clarke thought she would see irritation in her eyes too, but her eyes are void of any negative emotion. Only surprise and maybe even some excitement. 

Lexa clearly doesn't know what to do. She stands still in the middle of the coffeeshop with her eyes on Clarke. Other customers move around her with irritated expressions, but Lexa doesn't seem to care. Clarke decides to free her from her surprised state and waves at her like it is very normal for them to meet in a random coffeeshop. 

Clarke's response relaxes her a bit and Lexa starts walking towards her. She nods to the empty chair at the table. 

"Is this one free?" 

Clarke moves around some cups on the table, so Lexa has room to put her two coffee cups down. Two coffee? Clarke looks around to search for somebody who seems to know Lexa, but everyone is busy with either their laptop or phone or with somebody else. 

Lexa stills looks at her expectantly, waiting for Clarke to answer. 

"Yes, take a seat," Clarke invites her. 

A somewhat relieved smile spreads across Lexa's face. "Thank you," she replies almost whispering. 

They are silent for a few seconds. Neither knows what to say after their unexpected encounter. Lexa opens her mouth, but closes it again. It becomes clear that Lexa isn't going to say anything. First, she seemed to want to sit down and talk to Clarke, but that has disappeared. It looks like she is searching for a way out. 

Clarke isn't going to let it her go so easily. This is the first time she has casually met Lexa outside her apartment. It almost feels weird to meet her this way. They are both having a normal day. No nervous breakdown about ex-boyfriends or whatever upsets Lexa. It makes Clarke realizes she still has no idea why Lexa was upset the last time, which she will likely never find out. What she can get some answers about, is the reason why Lexa is here. This is as far from her usual neighborhood as it is to Clarke. 

"What brings you here?" Clarke asks as friendly as possible. She doesn't want to immediately set Lexa off. 

Lexa just shrugs. "Visiting an old friend," she answers vaguely. 

"Okay," Clarke trails off. She has no idea what to do with Lexa's answers. Of course, she wants to asks further, but she also knows it isn't a smart move to make. 

"What about you?" 

Lexa's question takes her by surprise. 

"What do you mean?" 

Lexa rolls her eyes slightly, but not as obvious as she used to do. It is almost a teasing eye-roll. 

"I mean, why are you here?" 

Clarke starts to blush. Apparently, she isn't able to even have a normal conversation anymore without blushing. She tells Lexa about Wells and their visit to the gallery. That Lexa is mysterious and only gives vague answers, doesn't mean Clarke has to do that too. It also doesn't help that Lexa seems genuinely interested. 

"Was the gallery any good?" She asks after Clarke has finished her story. 

Clarke nods enthusiastically. "You have to visit it sometime. It is really good." 

"Maybe I will," Lexa replies with a meaningful smile on her face. 

It throws Clarke off. Their conversation is unusually friendly and it almost feels like flirting. It is the last thing she thought would happen with Lexa. 

"Now that you know every detail about my day, why don't you tell me why you have two coffee?" 

Clarke can facepalm herself right now. She sounds as if she is interested in Lexa, which she isn't. Not in that way at least. 

Lexa coughs as if she wants to postpone her answer for a while. "One is for Gustus," she eventually answers dismissively. 

Clarke knows Lexa wants her to let it go, but this time she isn't going to listen. She has let Lexa off the hook enough times now. Even though Lexa didn't even invite her in her life, Clarke wants some answers. She wants to see behind the mystery that seems to surround Lexa. 

"Gustus?" she asks innocently. 

Lexa looks at her as if she knows exactly what Clarke is doing, but she doesn't retaliate. She looks at the two cups on the table to avoid looking at Clarke. 

Clarke sees her mouth moving, but she isn't able to understand what Lexa is saying. Some new customers enter the coffeeshop with a lot of noise, which drowns out Lexa's answer. 

"Sorry, what did you say?" 

Clarke only hopes that Lexa will repeat her answer. She tries to block out any other sounds and even moves closer to Lexa to be able to hear her talk better. First, she liked to buzz in the café. Now, however, she wants everyone to shut up, so she can hear Lexa. 

"Gustus is my old piano teacher," Lexa explains even more reluctantly than the first time. 

"You're still in contact with him?" 

Clarke still remembers her first art teacher, but she hasn't spoken to her in years. It seems so unlike Lexa to cherish a friendship. Maybe it is time she starts to adjust her expectations of Lexa. 

Lexa nods. "Not much, but I visit every now and then." 

"Cool," Clarke replies with an encouraging smile. She hopes it will stimulate Lexa to open up more. It seems to work. 

"He works at the community center nearby." She pauses for a second as if she is doubting whether to continue or not. "It has a nice art program, you should check it out sometime." 

Clarke wants to reply, but then stops. She can't remember ever telling Lexa about her love for art. "How do you know I like art?" 

Her tone isn't accusing. Just like Lexa a few minutes ago, she sounds teasing and even a bit flirty. 

Lexa looks as a deer caught in the headlights. "I, ehm," she stammers. She appears to rebuke herself, before she starts talking again. "I heard Octavia and Lincoln talk about it once." 

"And you remembered?" Clarke blurts out. She knows she has gone too far, because Lexa looks insulted. 

"Never mind," Clarke mumbles. 

Lexa chuckles while shaking her head. "Sure thing, princess." 

They fall silent, but the atmosphere is light. A lazy smile is showing on Lexa's face and Clarke feels the corners of her own mouth starting to curl. For a second, they are in their own world. Clarke's eyes are trained on Lexa's green ones and she sees herself reflected in her pupils. It lasts for a few seconds, before their weird little trance is interrupted by a large group of people entering the coffeeshop loudly. 

Lexa looks away. A shameful blush creeps up her cheeks. Clarke sees how she tries to look stoic, but Clarke thinks she just looks cute. 

"Community center, huh?" Clarke resumes their conversation. She wants to save from the awkwardness that Lexa is definitely feeling. 

"Yeah, it's small and needs some renovations, but it's does the job." 

"Why don't you show me it? I want to see their art program." 

Why is her tone flirty again? Clarke can't even imagine all she ever did was fight with Lexa. She likes the unexpected change in their weird relationship. 

"Why not, princess." 

 

XXX 

 

Clarke walks behind Lexa while she shows her around. Every door comes with a short explanation of its function. Suddenly, Lexa stands still by a door. 

"This is the music room," she explains nervously before opening the door with her elbow. Her hands are still occupied with carrying the two cups of coffee. With a smooth hip movement, she pushes the door open and enters. 

"Gustus," she calls out more excited than Clarke has ever heard her. She appears so much younger this way, which also makes her so much more approachable. Clarke wonders if Lexa knows this. Looking at her speak with Gustus from the doorway, she realizes Lexa indeed knows about it. Nobody changes so easily between two completely different personae without realizing it. 

Clarke follows her into the room to make her presence know. Gustus isn't what she had expected at all. If she thought about a piano teacher in a community center, she imagined either an old woman or a bit alternative man. Not Gustus. His large build seems even bigger in the small room. Clarke would be intimated by him if he wasn't radiating such warmth and wisdom. 

When Gustus sees her, he puts his coffee down and reaches out to shake her hand. The surprised expression on his face is masked. "Gustus." 

"Clarke." 

Gustus nods. "So, Clarke where did Lexa suddenly find you?" 

"Coffeeshop," Lexa answers for her from across the room. She is slouching in her stool, which makes her look like a bored teenager in class. It makes Clarke chuckle. 

"Do you play too?" Gustus asks while picking up his coffee again and taking a sip. 

"Sorry?" Clarke replies confused. 

Gustus laughs booms around the room. "The piano. Lexa is a phenomenal player, you know." 

Clarke looks at Lexa, who is still slumping in her chair, and raises an eyebrow. "She is?" 

Lexa rolls her eyes, which is more of a reaction of Lexa she is used to. Her arms are crossed and she looks like she really regrets brining Clarke here. 

Clarke wonders what caused her sudden mood change. 

"Yes, she is." 

She turns her head to look at Gustus. "I didn't know that," she admits. 

Gustus nods as if he didn't expect anything else. "Of course, Lexa is always very humble about her incredible talent." 

Incredible talent? Clarke knew Lexa was a musician, but she thought more in the likes of struggling artist. The way Gustus is talking about her, makes her think that isn't really true. Clarke wants to ask further, but Lexa is faster than her. 

"Griffin. Didn't you want to see the art room?" 

Clarke nods. "Yeah." 

She looks from Gustus to Lexa and back again. A whole lot of answers are standing right in front of her in to form of Gustus. 

"We don't have to go right now," Clarke tries to sound casual in the hopes that Lexa doesn't catch on and knows she is about to pry a little. 

Of course, Lexa knows what's going on and she shakes her head. "Yes, we do." 

Clarke looks with a hopeful expression at Gustus, but he stays silent. 

"Follow me, princess. I will show you the art room and then we can go home. I have better stuff to do than give some tour to you." 

Lexa stalks out of the room and Clarke watches her leave, before following her. "Back to broody Lexa," she mumbles.

Lexa shows her the art room without telling or explaining anything. She just looks like she wants to leave as soon as possible.

After she has shown her the art room, Lexa immediately leaves, which leaves Clarke to go home alone. Her way back is spend with only one person in her thoughts. Her mind keeps racing about the nice chat they had in the coffeeshop and Lexa's sudden change in the community center. 

"What are you doing to me Lexa Woods," Clarke mumbles to herself before falling in bed exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been very busy with finals etc. so this chapter is a bit short! Hopefully, you still liked it. Let me know if you did!
> 
> Happy holidays!
> 
> xxx


	11. Chapter 11

Clarke has no idea why she is standing in front of Lexa's door again. This time she is completely sober. However, she is stressed and a bit desperate. Her final is the next day and she has nowhere to study. She still doesn't have her own place and her mother has her friends over, so the house is filled with high laughter and gossip. 

She tried to block the sound out, but it just was impossible. It doesn't make studying easy, but she really needs silence when she studies. 

Clarke drove all the way to the city to see if there was any space in the library from the university, but it was full like it always is during finals. Next, she texted Octavia or Raven if they were home and could offer her a study place, but Octavia was in the library and Raven was busy with her internship. 

She even wandered around the city to see if there was some coffeeshop where she could study, but even those were busy and too crowdy. 

So she ended up at Lexa's. Clarke doesn't hear any sounds from the apartment, although she sees the light burning. 

She knocks on the door and just hopes Lexa will open it and let her study in her studio. 

The door opens and Clarke watches how surprise takes over Lexa's face. 

"Clarke?" 

"Hi," Clarke replies with an awkward wave. 

Lexa looks her up and down as if she is looking for any injuries. She almost looks relieved when she can't find any. 

"Something wrong?" she asks carefully. 

Clarke shakes her head. "Remember you told me I'm always welcome here?" 

Lexa winces like she regrets ever saying that and Clarke pretends it doesn't hurt. She just ignores it and continues talking. 

"I don't really have a place to study, so I was hoping I could study here for some time?" 

Lexa regards her with suspicion before answering. "Sure," she answers still hesitantly. 

She opens the door and Clarke enters the studio. Everything is still the same, expect the table is covered with papers. Once she is closer, Clarke can distinguish the patterns from sheet music. She turns around and raises an eyebrow at Lexa. "What were you doing?" 

"Studying, same as you," she shrugs. 

Clarke decides to let it go. She desperately needs a place to study, so she isn't in any position to ask the host some questions, which she most likely doesn't want to answer. 

Lexa rearranges the sheet music, which creates space for Clarke to put her thick book down. Lexa returns to her office chair and Clarke takes a seat in the chair opposite from Lexa. 

"If you need anything, help yourself," Lexa mumbles, already engulfed in her sheet music again. 

Clarke starts studying and it goes surprisingly well. The endless number of pages she had to study becomes quickly less and less. Lexa makes herself some tea and makes one for Clarke too without asking. They have created a nice atmosphere that Clarke has come to associate with Lexa, but only if she is in a good mood. 

The time flies and before Clarke knows it, she starts to feel hungry. Once she looks at her phone, she sees it is already 6:30 pm. 

"Are you hungry too?" Clarke breaks the silence. She can go home to eat, but it is most likely that her mother's friends are still there and are probably tipsy by now. Clarke is not ready to deal with that. 

Lexa looks up and takes off her glasses. It takes Clarke by surprise. She had no idea that Lexa wore glasses and she didn't even notice she had put them on. Lexa rubs in her eyes and Clarke notices how tired she looks. Clarke starts to feel guilty. She didn't think this through. Her visit is probably very inconvenient. She can't expect that Lexa is always ready to help her out. 

"You know what," Clarke starts. "I will just leave." 

Lexa shakes her head. "Are you done with studying?" 

"One is never done with learning," she teases. 

Lexa chuckles and it is one of the most wonderful sounds she has ever heard. It is feminine and light, which is so unlike Lexa. She wants to hear it again. 

"That is true, but if I gave you the test right now, would you be able to make it?" 

Clarke thinks about if for a second and then shakes her head. "No." 

She is far from ready. 

Lexa grabs her phone. "You can stay here to finish. I will order some pizza." 

While Lexa waits for someone to pick up, she looks at Clarke questioningly. 

Clarke immediately understands her. "Peperino is fine," she whispers just in case the pizzeria picks up. 

"You aren't a vegetarian?" Lexa asks surprised. Apparently, she isn't too worried about talking when someone picks up. 

Clarke shakes her head. "No, far from it. Why would I be?" 

Lexa just shrugs. "Almost all pretty blondes are vegetarian," she explains casually, completely brushing aside the fact that she called Clarke pretty. 

Clarke, however, doesn't ignore it, but before she can call Lexa out for it, someone picks up and Lexa starts ordering. 

Afterwards, Lexa puts the phone down on the table and immediately continues studying whatever music is on the sheet, leaving no opportunity for Clarke to ask her about her statement from before. Lexa still doesn't seem bothered by Clarke sitting across from her, but Clarke has lost her last bit of concentration. She keeps looking from her book to Lexa. It feels like she is watching a tennis game. 

This goes on until the doorbell rings. Without saying anything, Lexa walks to the door and accepts the pizza and pays the deliverer. She turns around with the two boxes resting on her hands and the little half smile on her face that Clarke has come to know and even love a little bit. Clarke can't help but think it is cute that Lexa gets so excited because of pizza. It has become normal for Clarke to at least eat pizza once every two weeks. Being a student doesn't give her much time to cook and most of the time she is just too lazy, but it looks like Lexa rarely eats pizza. 

Clarke puts her book back in her backpack to make room for Lexa to put the pizza's down. To make even more room, she gathers Lexa's sheet music and neatly lays them down at the end of the table. Lexa watches what pizza is in which box and she gives Clarke the right one and sets the other on the table for herself. She turns her back to Clarke to rummage through the kitchen drawer. When she turns around again, she has cutlery in her hands. 

"Do you need any?" she asks clearly out of her comfort zone. She probably only has Lincoln and Anya over for dinner, which Clarke doubts happens very often. 

Clarke snorts. "It's pizza, Lexa." 

Lexa looks at her confused, clearly not understanding her. "Really Clarke? I didn't know." Her voice is dripping with sarcasm and Clarke starts blushing. 

"That is not what I meant." 

Lexa sits down and starts cutting her pizza and Clarke mouths falls open when Lexa takes the first bite of pizza with a fork. She notices Clarke looking as she wants to eat the next piece of pizza. Slowly, she lowers her fork and closes her mouth again. 

"Something wrong?" 

She doesn't sound worried, more insulted. "You know it is weird to look how people eat?" 

Clarke hates how Lexa immediately looks stoic and starts to get defensive. 

"Yeah," she chuckles, trying to change the sudden tense atmosphere. "I just think it is funny you use cutlery to eat pizza." 

Lexa sighs, but is more of a teasing sigh than an irritated one. "Not you too," she says while shaking her head. 

"What do you mean?" Clarke asks confused this time. 

Lexa chuckles. "Anya and Lincoln always pester me about how I eat." 

Clarke laughs. It isn't particularly funny, but she just loves how she is getting small glimpses in Lexa life and it puts her in a light-hearted mood. "Which is understandable. Nobody eats pizza with cutlery." 

"Well, I do since I was raised properly," Lexa defends herself, but it sounds very teasing and the right corner of her lips has curled up. Clarke doesn't think Lexa ever laughs full-out, but she is content with those half smiles. 

It is weird how much she enjoys having a conversation with Lexa nowadays. Lexa is so different from when they first met and Clarke doesn't know why Lexa couldn’t be this relaxed and even a bit funny the first time. It would have made their lives so much easier. 

 

XXX 

Three years ago 

"I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous to meet Lincoln's friends," Clarke admits once she sees the bar where they had agreed to meet. 

"Me too," Raven replies. She is a little out of breath, so she doesn't continue talking. It only has been a few weeks since she has completed her revalidation after her car-accident and she still has to get used to walking with a brace. Clarke just wanted to get a taxi to the bar, but Raven insisted they walk. "I can finally walk again," she said. Of course, Clarke immediately agreed with her. 

Clarke halts a second before entering. She turns to Raven. "Don't you think it is a little bit weird that his two best friends are girls?" 

Raven chuckles while shaking her head. "Please keep you judgement to yourself this night. Octavia really likes him and she deserves a happy relationship." 

"You're right," Clarke nods. She opens the door and holds it open for Raven, so she can enter a lot easier. Raven doesn't acknowledge it. She only gives Clarke a thankful smile. 

It isn't the first time they are at the bar, which means Clarke is used to the loud crowd by now. They instantly spot Octavia and Lincoln in the mass of people. Clarke drags Raven behind her. Partly, because it is easier for Raven if she makes the path free for her, but mostly because it has been some time since she has seen Octavia and she can't wait to be reunited with her. 

It is her first year as a med-student and she has never thought she would be as busy as she is right now. She has been told it is normal and she just needs to develop some sort of structure. It is high time that happened, because she hates to be so busy she has hardly any time for her friends. 

With a squeal she embraces Octavia and waves at Lincoln. He nods to greet her. Clarke notices how nervous he is, which is logical. She is nervous herself. What if they don't get along? It would make Octavia and Lincoln's relationship a lot harder, since they are always together. 

Raven and Clarke take a seat as Lincoln leaves to buy them a beer. 

"You've met his friends already, right?" Raven asks with also a little nervous tremble in her voice. 

Octavia nods. "Yeah, they're alright." 

They can't ask for further information about his friends, because Lincoln already returns. He works at the bar, so of course he gets served first by his colleagues. Normally, Clarke wouldn't mind. It doesn't hurt to get served so quickly, but right now she wanted some more time to grill Lincoln about his two best friends. 

Lincoln puts the two beer on the table when they hear a voice. 

"Hi, Linc!" 

Lincoln turns around with a big smile on his face. "Anya, Lexa! Finally!" 

He steps aside and two girls appear from behind him. One of them has striking high cheekbones and is clearly a lot more excited to be here than the other girl. His other friend is almost hiding behind Anya. Not because she is shy. Clarke sees that right away. The girl holds her back too straight and her chin too high to be shy. It is more because she doesn't want to be seen. 

Anya looks from Octavia to Clarke and Raven and starts politely shaking their hands. "Hi, everybody. I'm Anya and this is Lexa." 

She points to the girl with incredible green eyes behind her. Lexa only lifts her hand half-heartedly as a greeting before sliding in the booth with a bored expression on her face. 

"What is wrong with her?" Clarke hears Lincoln ask Anya. 

Anya just shakes her head. "Not now." 

Lincoln shrugs and they both take a seat too. 

Clarke is grateful for Anya. She immediately starts talking and even knows to find something in common with Raven. Thanks to her, an otherwise awkward situation is avoided. Octavia and Lincoln shoot each other relieved looks. 

"Lexa, what is it that you do?" Clarke asks her after they have talked about Clarke's study. 

She notices the panicked look between Lincoln and Anya, but Clarke doesn't react on it. She keeps her eyes on the stoic girl at the other side of the table. Lexa is playing with a beer mat and tearing it to shreds. 

"College," she answers curtly. Never making eye-contact with someone. 

"You know," Lincoln springs in. "Lexa is actually attending, - " 

He gets interrupted by Lexa. "Sorry, Lincoln, but this is useless." 

"Lexa," Anya warns her, but Lexa ignores her. 

"This isn't going to work. I don't want to get to know some cripple and a dumb blonde. I already know the relationship isn't going to work." 

Lincoln jumps from his seat and stares down at Lexa. It looks very intimitading, but Lexa remains unfazed. 

"What? Did you tell her you slept with Anya? Most girls would have a problem with their boyfriend screwing his best friend." 

It is shocking how the conversation has turned from very friendly to incredibly tense. 

"What?" Octavia blurts out. Her eyes are wide from shock. 

Lincoln sits down again with a sigh and buries his head in his head while shaking his head too. 

Clarke and Raven just look speachless. There a tears dwelling in Ravens eyes for being called a cripple. 

"Multiple times," Lexa adds as if the situation isn't bad enough already. 

Anya is the only one who does something. 

She stands up and grabs Lexa's chin to turn her head roughly. "Just leave," she whispers threateningly. Again, Lexa doesn't seem affected by the unspoken threats from her friends. 

Lexa stands up with a sigh as if this whole conversation has cost her a lot of effort. Clarke watches her walk towards the bar and take a seat on one of the bar stools. 

Anya sits down again. "I have to apologize for her. Sometimes she gets like this and she was way out of line this time." 

Nobody knows what to say, so everyone stays silent. The awkwardness, which Clarke feared, has finally arrived. 

"Maybe it is best if we left," Raven suggests with a shaking voice. She doesn't want to cry in front of Lincoln and Anya, but Clarke knows the tears will start falling as soon as she is out of sight. 

"I have to go to the restroom first, you too Raven?" Clarke asks with a meaningful glance at Raven. Raven immediately catches on. 

"Yeah, sure." 

Somehow, Anya understands their intention too. "I will go talk to Lexa." 

They all leave the table so Lincoln and Octavia are alone to talk about what happened. 

Raven and Clarke walk silently to the restroom. 

"I don't actually have to, so I will just wait outside," Raven says. Her voice still sounds sad. 

Clarke nods and enters the restroom. She locks the door of a stall and leans against the wall while trying to recompose herself. The quietness of the stall makes her realize she is shaking. This is the last thing she wanted to happen. She just wished for Octavia to have a happy relationship. She has already a hard time with Bellamy leaving to backpack through Europe. Lincoln made her happy and Clarke just hopes this doesn't mean the end of their relationship. 

She is about to unlock the door once she has calmed herself down when she hears to door to the restrooms open and a familiar voice starts talking. 

"What the fuck, Lexa?" Anya shouts. 

Clarke lets her hand fall from the lock and decides to wait for Lexa and Anya to leave. She doesn't want to be involved in another very awkward situation this evening. 

She listens how Lexa answers something, but she can't make out her exact words. It is wrong to listen in on a private conversation, but Clarke can't help it. Plus, she doesn't really care anymore. They are holding the conversation in a public restroom, so there isn't really any privacy. Moreover, Clarke doesn't think Lexa deserves some privacy. She actually wants an explanation for Lexa's unacceptable behavior from before. 

"Why the hell did you do that?" Anya asks angrily. 

Clarke makes a mental note to never make Anya angry. She sounds extremely scary. 

"I had lunch with my grandparents," Lexa explains with reluctance. This peaks Clarke's interest. That is her excuse? Lunch with her grandparents. 

It is silent for a few seconds. Clarke imagines Anya is shaking her head full of disappointment. 

"That is not an excuse," she says with a normal volume this time. However, she still sounds angry. Very angry. "Especially not when you act exactly like her." 

"I'm nothing like my grandmother," Lexa snaps. 

"No, you were nothing like her, but lately you have turned in an exact copy of her," Anya replies instantly. 

Clarke has no idea why being compared to your grandmother is something bad, but it is clear it is the last thing Lexa wants. 

She hears the door open again. The loud sounds of the bar infiltrate the quiet restroom. "I don't want to see you for some time. This was important for Lincoln and you totally screwed everything up." 

The door closes with a loud bang. Clarke knows Lexa is still there, so she stays in her stall, waiting for Lexa to leave too. 

Clarke hears Lexa mutter something, but again she can't make out the words. It is followed with a crack and the sound of shattering glass. It makes Clarke jump. Not long thereafter the doors opens again and Clarke waits until she is sure that Lexa has left. 

After unlocking the door, she slowly opens it and pokes her head out. The restroom is empty and Clarke sighs relieved. She goes to wash her hands, when she notices the mirror. It is completely shattered and there are shards of glass spread around the sink. 

Clarke quickly washes her hands and leaves the bar, dragging Raven behind her once again. 

 

XXX 

Present 

They eat their pizza mostly in silence. Occasionally, Lexa asks her something about her study and Clarke appreciates how Lexa is interested in her own way. She tries to ask Lexa the same questions about her college-experience, but Lexa only gives vague answers. Clarke accepts it, not wanting to change the relaxed mood they have somehow created. 

Lexa throws the pizza boxes away and starts doing the dishes from the day while Clarke continues to study. She offered to help Lexa with the dishes, but she refused and actually insisted that Clarke studied some more. 

Clarke has no idea how much time has passed when Lexa speaks up from where she is sitting in the arm chair. 

"It's getting kind of late, you know," she remarks. 

Clarke checks her watch and sees that Lexa is right. Seeing the time makes her instantly feel tired and with a sigh she closes her book. 

"You're right, I should head home." 

Lexa closes the book she was reading too and puts it on the small table next to the arm chair. She seems to search for words for a moment before she looks at Clarke again. "I may be crossing a line, but you can stay here if you want." 

It is spoken soft and very hesitant. Lexa keeps her eyes on Clarke, but it is clear she would rather look down and not face Clarke at all. Lexa tries to act unbothered, but Clarke sees through it and just thinks it is endearing, which she would never tell Lexa of course. 

"It is not like you haven't slept here before," Lexa adds defensively. 

Lexa's voice makes Clarke realize she hasn't said anything since Lexa's offer. "I don't want to impose," Clarke starts before trailing off. 

"It's not like that was a problem for you before." 

Clark would have accepted Lexa's offer already if she wasn't she surprised by how much she actually wants to accept it. Of course, she doesn't want to drive all the way back, sleep at her mom's house and drive back to the city again the next day to take her finals. However, it is more than that. She wants to stay with Lexa. It is as if she doesn't get enough of Lexa. She doesn't want to stop seeing her green eyes, she wants to make her laugh fully once and just everything. And it scares her, but it is a good and thrilling scare. 

"That's true. I would appreciate it if I could stay here," Clarke answers, mumbling a little bit. 

Lexa only answer is a small smile. "I'm really tired, so I hope you don't mind if I go to bed already." 

Clarke shakes her head. She doesn't want that Lexa stays up just for her, which Clarke didn't even expect she would ever do. "No, of course not. I will join you shortly." 

The moment the words leave her mouth and she hears how it sounds, she could facepalm herself. She just hopes Lexa doesn't pick up on it, but she does. With a blush on her face, Clarke watches how Lexa raises an eyebrow. 

"Not in that way, Lexa!" 

Lexa shakes her head chuckling softly. "Sure thing, princess." 

Clarke goes to the bathroom to get ready for bed. When she leaves to bathroom, the same shirt she always has as pajamas is laying on the table. It doesn't even surprise Clarke anymore. She quickly changes and slips under the blanket as quiet as possible. She has no idea if Lexa is asleep already. It is too dark to see clearly. She only can make out Lexa's form under the blankets. It turns out Lexa is half asleep. Lexa mumbles something unintelligible before she starts shifting a little. Clarke feels an arm wrap around her and it isn't as uncomfortable as she hoped it would be. Within seconds, she falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than the ones before, which you may have noticed already. Since I have a lot of free time, the next chapters will probably be longer too!
> 
> I hoped you like it! As always, let me know if you did :)  
> And I'm curious, do you want more flashbacks from Lexa's past? 
> 
> xxx


	12. Chapter 12

Clarke walks around the small apartment with a smile on her face. It feels good. Octavia knows this too. She is leaning against one of the doorposts with the same content smile. They are once again visiting a potential apartment. Clarke had just finished her final when she got a call from her agent that he had found an amazing apartment and he didn't lie. It is indeed an amazing apartment. It isn't too big, which she likes. She will live there alone, so she doesn't want it to be too big and feel impersonal. 

"I like it," Clarke tells Octavia. 

Octavia nods. "I know. I think it is amazing." 

They both look at the real estate manager. He clearly has seen the smiles on the face and he is wearing a smirk that looks way too smug. He looks like someone who is a little too excited to sell something. 

"I like it," Clarke repeats herself while walking towards the agent. She can't wait to finally find an apartment that she likes, so she doesn't have to see his face anymore. It isn't something in particular that he does that ticks her off. It's just his vibe in general. It puts her on edge in a negative way. However, the agent can't ruin the excitement she feels when looking around the apartment. 

"That's great. Shall I walk you around one more time?" 

Clarke's smile still doesn't vanish. This feels like home. It actually feels like Lexa's small studio. "Yes, please." 

Octavia taps her on her shoulder to snap her out of her happy daze. "I promised Lincoln to grab a coffee with him after he his lecture was finished, so..." 

Clarke immediately nods. "Sure, go! I will be fine here." 

Octavia grabs her coat and thanks the agent. She gives Clarke an encouraging squeeze in her arm before walking towards to door. 

"Thank you for helping me with my apartment hunt," Clarke says when she follows Octavia to let her out. 

"No problem, Griffin. Go get your apartment," she answers with a teasing grin. 

Clarke watches her leave and then returns to the small living room of the apartment where the agent is waiting for her. 

He doesn't waste any time and immediately starts with giving Clarke the information he already told her, but she doesn't mind. You can never be too sure when deciding whether to rent an apartment or not. They continue walking around the apartment. The agent places his hand on the wall of the bedroom. 

"Some walls need a lick of paint, but I assume that is no problem?" 

Clarke shakes her head. "I actually like to paint, so painting a wall sounds like fun." 

She sees how the agent starts getting more and more giddy once he is sure she is going to sign the contract. "Maybe you can get someone to help you out? It are a lot of walls for one person to paint." 

Her thoughts instantly go to Lexa. Would she be willing to help Clarke paint her apartment? Clarke can't help but think it would be fun to spend the day with Lexa painting. She likes painting and she secretly likes spending time with Lexa. It sounds like the perfect plan. 

The agent notices too. It is the moment he is completely sure that Clarke is sold. "I have the contracts with me. Why don't sign them right now?" 

Clarke almost chuckles. She knows what he is doing. "I will sleep on it and then sign the contracts tomorrow. That is if you are available on Saturday?" 

She sees that he rather wraps things up right now, but she isn't going to go along with that. It is a big decision and she doesn't want to make any hasty decisions. 

"That is possible, but I wouldn't wait too long. You know how the climate is right now." 

Clarke is too familiar with how hard it is to find an apartment in the city. "I know. I will sign the contracts tomorrow right away. I just need one night." 

The agent reassures her again that that is possible even though he doesn't particular like it and they agree at what time she will stop by at his office to sign the contracts and he guides her out of the apartment. Clarke turns around one last time to look at her new home before closing the door until she has her own key to open it again. 

She can't wait to go home and call her mom and Raven to tell them about it. The urge to call Lexa is ignored. Thinking about Lexa immediately brings her back to this morning when she woke up in Lexa's studio. Lexa had already left, so Clarke was alone in her studio, which didn't feel as weird as it should have felt. Lexa had set the table for her with everything she needed to eat breakfast. She even left a small post-it wishing her good-luck with her finals. It didn't say anything more. Just good-luck with your finals in a very neat handwriting that seemed so much unlike Lexa, but which at the same time fits her. It filled her heart, but she didn't want to think about it. She had a test to make, which went pretty well actually. Only because Clarke studied well and not because of Lexa's note and the pleasant feeling it caused. She can deal with those feelings later. Today is about her new home. 

  

XXX 

  

Lexa sits as straight as possible, which causes her back to hurt. She doesn't care. A little back pain is something she can take, but Indra's wrath isn't something she can handle. Her new piano teacher has her eyes focused on Lexa and hasn't taken them off of her for a few minutes now. Her scrutinizing gaze makes Lexa want to cower, but by now Lexa is used to piercing eyes, so she keeps her back straight. 

"You hesitated at the beginning, play it again," Indra instructs. 

She starts again like Indra said, but Lexa can't really concentrate. Indra's eyes are still on her and Lexa isn't sure anymore if it is to analyze her as a piano player or as a person in general. Whatever it is, she knows Indra doesn't like her. Indra doesn't give anything away, until she interrupts Lexa again. 

"Stop playing." 

Lexa immediately removes her hands from the keys and looks Indra straight in the eye. She doesn't want Indra to know she is a little scared of her. Indra continues to look at her and Lexa has no idea what to do. 

"We're going to do something different," Indra suddenly announces. 

Lexa perks up. She is quite sure this is the only time she has heard the word different during one of her piano lessons. The world of classical music is pretty stuck in their old habits and Lexa didn't even think about ever doing something different. Her grandparents would never accept it, but they aren't there at the moment, which means Indra is the boss. 

Indra drums with her fingers on the piano. "Forget the piece," she tells Lexa. 

Lexa furrows her eyebrow and looks at Indra. "Excuse me?" 

Once again, she has worked hard to master the piece and play it flawlessly. It feels like she would throw away two weeks' worth of work. 

Indra nods. "I want you to forget the piece and just improvise." 

Lexa feels herself getting irritated. "Why would I do that?" 

Somehow, it surprises Indra. She looks at Lexa with a look that she can't place. 

"You are to fixed on the notes. Music needs to flow and not be reproduced endlessly." 

Lexa wants to snort, but she can stop herself from doing so. She is so glad her grandparents aren't in the same room, even though they wanted to be there while she was practicing with Indra. Indra arrived right after dinner. Apparently, she refused dinner, which Lexa appreciates. It saves her from an awkward dinner with her grandparents who always try to glorify her, but at the same time criticize her when there is a guest. 

Her grandparents took a seat in the living room while Lexa settled once again on the piano stool. Once Indra noticed what was happening, she sent away Lexa's grandparents. Lexa can't deny she didn't enjoy the shocked look on her grandparent's faces. 

If her grandparents heard Indra's advice, they would definitely lose their cool and fire Indra. They are one of those people who cling to old traditions. Improvisation and flow isn't something they deem important. Lexa wants to prove to Indra and mostly to herself that she isn't like her grandparents. She places her fingers on the black and white keys again and takes a deep breath. In her head she tries to come up with a few notes to start with. It takes everything in her to push away the different classical pieces that keep popping up in her head. She just needs to produce a few notes of her own. She comes up empty. 

"How do you want me to start?" Lexa asks timidly. 

She feels like a small girl again that has messed up and will get reprimanded for failing. Instead, Indra says silent. 

Lexa looks at her surprised and sees how Indra just shrugs. 

"I don't know, you decide." 

"In what key do you want me to start?" Lexa keeps trying. 

It is in vain. Indra only starts to chuckle. "Again. You decide." 

Lexa nods and tries to focus, but her mind keeps blank. She doesn't need to look at Indra to know that she has noticed. 

"Just think about something and let it guide you." 

A melody starts to form in her head while she stretches her fingers. She wiggles them a few times and then starts to play. Suddenly, she understands what Indra means. Her fingers fly over the keys and the music flows. The music just keeps on going and Lexa can't stop. She pretends like she doesn't think about blue eyes when she plays. Or blonde hair. Or the most beautiful smile she has ever seen. 

Lexa has no idea for how long she has been playing when Indra stops her. She immediately removes her fingers from the keys. When she thinks back at everything she has just played, a feeling of dread starts to spread through her body. She knows some parts were theoretically incorrect, but it just felt right in the moment. 

"That was good," Indra compliments her. 

Lexa eyes widen. The last thing she expected was a compliment, especially from Indra. She doesn't seem like the type to throw around compliments. 

Before Lexa can react, Indra continues. "Now I want you to play Für Elise again, but use the flow you just had. I know you can play that piece in your sleep, so it is perfect to practice." 

Indra is right. Like most classical piano students, Lexa knows to play that piece almost too well. It isn't really easy, but she has played it so many times by now that she can indeed, like Indra said, dream it. It goes great and she enjoys it. After playing it a few times, Indra has to leave and Lexa sees her out. When she closes the door and turns around, Nia is standing in the hallway with a displeased expression. 

Lexa gulps and lowers her eyes. She already knows what is coming and she doesn't really look forward to it. For a second, she considers just following Indra and leaving straight away, but she knows that Nia will find a way to say what she has to say. 

"I take it the lesson went well?" she asks with a friendly, but somehow still angry voice. 

Lexa nods. "Yes, it did." 

Nia nods while looking at Lexa as if to confirm that she is lying, but Lexa is telling the truth and Nia comes to the same conclusion after a few seconds of regarding Lexa with a suspicious look. 

She doesn't say anything, so Lexa knows she has to elaborate. "I actually enjoyed playing again," she confesses. 

Nia immediately jumps in. "You did? That's great." She sounds excited, which is completely unlike her. There must be a catch. "Enough to start performing again?" 

Lexa cringes. She just knew this was coming. The fact that she enjoys playing is never enough for her grandmother. She has to do something with her talent, because there isn't really anything else that will guarantee her a bright future. Lexa knows she is somewhat intelligent. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to remember all those pieces like she does, but she never was particular interested in any subject at school. Only music. Her life always has been about music. Lexa has to be honest with herself and admit that she has no idea what she wants to do. Her whole life consisted of constantly needing to achieve something. First, it was only about being able to play a hard piece. Soon it turned into wanting to win a contest. Then it was all about getting into the best pre-college division and then about actually getting accepted by a conservatory. When she was finally a student at one of the best conservatories, she thought she was done with always trying to win everything. Of course, she wasn't done. There is no place on earth with as much competitiveness as at a conservatory. Everyone wanted to play at some important performing arts organization and every student had the same pushy parental figures behind time. Lexa did everything she could and actually got to play some pretty impressive concerts and when she graduated, she was just done with everything and everyone. 

"I don't know," Lexa admits. She thought she was done, but today might have changed her mind. She feels the urge again to perform. Actually, she feels the urge to perform for someome in particular. These feelings are unexpected and she completely ignores her grandmother, which is something she has never done. She just turns around and leaves the house while Nia continues to lecture her about something. It doesn't even bother Lexa. She is too distracted with all these feelings she suddenly has to even care about her grandparents and their unachievable expectations. 

 

XXX 

 

Clarke is looking at the building in front of her. It is Lexa's building. She called her mom and Raven to tell them about her new apartment yesterday and then she just really wanted to tell Lexa. They never really texted or called, so it felt weird to suddenly start doing that. Clarke mustered all the confidence she had and pushed away any doubts she had about visiting Lexa and just went to her apartment after signing the contracts, but standing outside of Lexa's building brought back all those doubts. They don't really have the relationship in which they share these important events with each other, but somehow it felt natural. Until she actually got there of course. 

Clarke is about to leave again when the door opens and Anya exits the building with a worried expression, which quickly turns into surprise when she sees Clarke standing there. 

"Clarke?" 

Clarke smiles awkwardly and greets Anya with an uncomfortable hug. "Hi, Anya." 

Anya finds her voice again after the initial surprise. "What are you doing here?" 

Clarke can only shrug. She honestly doesn't even have any idea why she is here. She just is. "I came here for Lexa," she tries to explain, which should only confuse Anya more, but it doesn't. 

Anya only nods as if it makes sense that Clarke is standing in front of her so-called nemesis. It makes Clarke wonder how much Lexa has told Anya about their strange sleepovers. She can't really picture Anya and Lexa talking about such things, but they are best friends so Lexa has to confess things to Anya. 

"Well, she isn't here," Anya tells her. She instantly looks worried again. "I thought she would be, because she should be back from her grandparents by now. She never stays the night there. I just feel that something is off. She never acts like this after dinner with her grandparents." 

Clarke has no idea if everything Anya is telling her should make sense to her, but she just pretends it does. The last thing she wants, is to make this even weirder. 

"Okay, I should go then," Clarke mumbles and she wants to turn around, but Anya grabs her arm. Clarke stops her movement and looks at Anya. 

Anya looks her straight in the eye as if she is searching for something, which she apparently found because her face seems to lighten up, if that is even possible for Anya. "I don't really have time to search for her, but I have an idea as to where she might be. Why don't you go there?" 

That takes Clarke by surprise and her eyes widen. "You want me to do what?" 

Anya shrugs as if it is a completely normal situation. "I know Lexa and she probably is at the community centre doing her brooding artist thing. I know that you know where it is, so I'm asking you if you want to go there and see how she is doing." 

"Why would I do that?" 

Anya chuckles. "Why wouldn't you? You are here for Lexa, right?" 

Clarke bites the inside of her cheek. Anya is right. She is here to visit Lexa, so it isn't really that weird to check in on her. "Fine," she eventually agrees. "I will text you to let you know how she is doing." 

Anya smirks, which makes Clarke a bit uncomfortable. What is Anya trying to achieve? "Thank you so much. I'm sure Lexa would be happy to see you!" 

She winks at Clarke and then leaves before Clarke can even change her mind. Clarke watches Anya leave and then returns to her car to drive to the community centre in the other part of the city. She has no idea what to expect, but she has to admit she is excited to see Lexa again even though she saw her the day before yesterday. 

"Damn you, Woods," she mumbles before driving off.

 

XXX 

 

Clarke parks her car in the small parking lot of the community centre. She enters the building while fidgeting nervously with her fingers. She remembers how to walk to the music room. She ignores the curious looks of the people roaming the halls. Gustus walks past her and only offers her a friendly smile. He clearly sees she is on some sort of mission and thankfully decides to let her pass without having to make small-talk or explaining herself. 

When she reaches the door, she pauses. The most beautiful piano music is coming from the room. The door is still closed, which means that the sound is a bit muffled, but it still sounds incredibly beautiful. Lexa, if the person playing piano is even Lexa, can't see her, so Clarke decides to wait a moment before entering the room and leans against the doorpost. 

Clarke hates that she can't see Lexa. She wonders how Lexa would like while letting her fingers dance over the black and white keys. In a sudden wave of confidence, she opens the door a bit. Her eyes instantly fall on Lexa. Her brown is tied back in a low bun, which makes her appear very formal, while at the same time she is wearing a black leather jacket. It is a funny contrast, but that isn't what attracts her attention. 

It is the music that Lexa produces. Clarke stays mesmerized in the door opening. Lexa is so into her music that she doesn't see her. It gives Clarke the opportunity to watch without being judged. She knew Lexa was talented, but she never thought that she could play like this. Clarke has no idea if it is a famous piece that Lexa is playing, but it sounds amazing. The notes of the melody seem to fit together perfectly. 

It is so fascinating to watch Lexa move with the music. Her head moves along with the music. Now and then she even gets up from her piano stool. Clarke feels the emotion that Lexa puts into her music. She has no idea how long she has been watching when Lexa suddenly stops. Her head snaps to the side and Clarke feels like a teenager that has been caught staring at her crush, which isn't too far from the truth. 

"Clarke." 

Her tone is unreadable. It resembles something close to anger, but also pleasant surprise. 

"Hi," Clarke mumbles while giving Lexa an awkward wave. 

Lexa pushes the piano stool back so she can directly look at Clarke. A slight blush has crept up her cheeks, which makes her look adorable. "What are you doing here?" 

"I... Uh." 

Clarke has no idea how to explain why she is here. 

"You are very talented," Clarke says instead of even trying to explain. 

Lexa arches her eyebrow. "I only went to the best conservatory, so yeah I consider myself talented," she smirks. 

Clarke rolls her eyes while walking closer towards Lexa. "And you stayed so modest," Clarke teases after hearing Lexa's sarcasm. 

"That's me," Lexa shrugs. 

They fall silent and just look at each other. Clarke notices how soft Lexa's eyes look. She has no idea why Anya was so worried. She looks perfectly fine. 

"Anya was worried," Clarke informs her when the silence becomes too heavy. 

"That's just how Anya is." 

Anya doesn't really strike Clarke as the worrying type, but she doesn't comment on it. She has accepted that people keep surprising her lately. 

"I found a new apartment," she blurts out. She is filled with excitement and nervousness, which makes her say things without thinking about it. What would Lexa think of her? That she has come all this way to tell her that she found a new place to live. Nobody does that. 

The confusion is visible on Lexa's face. "You found what?" 

"A new apartment," Clarke explains. "To live in." 

Lexa chuckles. "That's great. Congratulations." 

"Thanks," Clarke mumbles. 

Lexa turns back to the piano and places her fingers on the keys again. She starts an easy melody. It sounds more like Lexa wants to fill the silence than actually show off or practice. It stays weird to see Lexa like this. So at ease and friendly. If only she could act like this all the time. 

"Do you need anything else?" Lexa asks while she continues playing. She doesn't even need to look at her fingers. Her eyes are on Clarke while the music keeps flowing. 

Clarke decides she wants this Lexa in her life. Maybe she is to blame for their on-going feud too. Someone has to take the first step in changing the animosity between them. That is right. She is doing this for Octavia and Lincoln's sake. Not because she just really wants to spend time with Lexa. 

"I need to paint the walls in my new apartment and I was wondering if you want to help me." 

There is a slight hesitation in the melody, but Lexa doesn't stop playing. "So first you constantly stay at my apartment and then you want me to help you paint your new apartment. That sounds like a one-way relationship." 

"Relationship?" 

Lexa stops playing. "That is not what this is about, Griffin." 

Once again, she is unreadable. Her expression is too stoic to interpreted. Is she angry? Or is she actually enjoying this conversation? 

Clarke decides to keep the conversation light. "Then answer or please forget I even asked." 

Lexa doesn't answer for a very long time. She just continues playing the same damn melody. Clarke loved to hear Lexa play, but it is just starting to irritate her. She wants an answer and then Lexa can play all she wants. The wait is unbearable. She feels silly that she even asked Lexa to help her. What was she thinking? Of course, Lexa isn't going to help her. Like she already made clear, why would she? 

"You know what. I will help you. Just let me know when."

That clearly marks the end of the conversation, because Lexa completely focuses on the music again. Clarke takes this as her mark to leave and she exits the community centre with a big grin on her face. She feels as giddy as the real estate agent yesterday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!  
> I'm so sorry that it took me so long to update again. This chapter is longer than usual as a way to hopefully make up for the long wait.
> 
> Let me know if you liked it :) 
> 
> xxx


	13. Chapter 13

The loneliness of her apartment seems so much worse when it's a holiday. Lexa always thought that she didn't mind being alone. She would even say she was good at it. When she was younger, she was always alone while her peers were spending time together. She always told everyone and even herself that she didn't have a problem with that, although she did and actually still does.

When Anya called her this morning to tell her that she had gotten sick and wouldn't be able to spend Thanksgiving with, Lexa knew instantly that she would celebrate Thanksgiving alone. There was no way that Lincoln would spend the day with her while he has a girlfriend. Of course, Lexa understands this, but it doesn't change the fact that it stings a little. At her age it is a bit sad to spend a holiday alone. She knows she can always go visit her grandparents, but the last thing she wants, is to celebrate it with them, if you can even call any holiday with them a celebration. It's too much about playing the perfect family for friends that visit than about actually being together with loved ones.

Sitting alone in her apartment makes her realize how isolated she is. It makes her even long for Clarke's company. She tells herself it's about wanting company, not about wanting to be with Clarke, because denying feelings is so much easier than admitting them. She imagines the group of friends, including Lincoln, sitting at a long table while talking and laughing with each other. Lexa thought she was used to being excluded, but, again, she is wrong.

 

_A thirteen-year-old Lexa is nervously pacing around in the living room. She wants to hunch to protect herself from the impending conversation she is about to have with her grandmother, but she keeps her back straight. After all, she is a piano player, which comes with an almost impossible straight posture._

_She is done with her homework. She already practiced the amount of time that the pre-college division told her that was expected of her, which means that she can use tonight to practice even more. Her grandmother will be happy about that. She has to be. It is the only thing that Lexa can use to convince her to let Lexa go to a sleepover one of the girls in her class is having. Lexa didn't even expect to be asked. It's not that her classmates are mean to her or exclude her on purpose. They just don't know how to act around her. Lexa doesn't blame them. She knows she is different. Sometimes she is gone for a week, because she has an important recital coming up and has to spend all her time at the pre-college division to rehearse. Adding the different treatment from her teachers makes her stand out even more._

_Lexa has accepted this, but it feels so good and normal to be asked once. Of course, she appreciates all the chances she gets because of her talent, but sometimes she wants to feel like a normal teenager. She wants to live like they do in the cliché teenager movies that her grandparents despise._

_The door to the living room opens and Nia enters the room, immediately changing the atmosphere. Lexa stands even more rigid and folds her hands behind her back, like she has seen Titus do when someone important enters._

_"Alexandria," her grandmother greets her with surprise. Instantly, her face falls and she looks at Lexa with a disapproving scowl. "Why are you standing there? Shouldn't you be practicing?"_

_Lexa nods, but then remembers that her grandparents always tell her to use words instead of just nodding or shaking her head. "Yes, I was practicing, but I decided to take a short break. I will continue shortly."_

_Her grandmother continues to look at her full of disapproval, but, luckily, she decides to let it go. She picks up a book from the table and takes a seat in one of the armchairs and starts reading, not giving Lexa any of her attention. It is so quiet that Lexa is sure that even her grandmother can hear the fast beating of her heart. Lexa takes a deep breath in the hopes to calm her nerves, before addressing her grandmother again._

_"Grandmother." She pauses and waits for Nia to look up from her book. It takes a few seconds, which seem to never end. Finally, Nia lowers her reading glasses to look at Lexa._

_"Yes, Alexandria?"_

_Her stern look makes Lexa gulp. "I, ehm, I wanted to ask you something."_

_Her grandmother gestures that she can continue._

_"I was invited for a sleepover at Anya's house. Am I allowed to go?"_

_Her voice is too timid for her liking, but she can't help herself. The look Nia is currently giving her shakes her to her core. Nia squeezes her eyes at Lexa as if to see if there is more to it._

_"Do I know this Anya?" she asks suspicious._

_A flutter of hopes settles in her stomach, making her feel light. Her grandmother didn't immediately say no, so maybe there is hope._

_"No, you don't know her. She just moved here," Lexa explains keeping it as vague as possible. Anya doesn't have the upbringing or money that her grandparents want her friends to have. Lexa has no idea how Anya got accepted by the private school Lexa goes to, but somehow she did and Lexa is grateful for it. She already likes Anya. They didn't even talk before Anya invited her._

_"Next weekend?"_

_"Yes, grandmother," Lexa answers. She doesn't tell her about the recital she has the following Friday in the hopes that Nia doesn't remember it, which doesn't happen of course._

_"Then you are not allowed to go. I hope you didn't forget about the recital?"_

_Nia's answer makes her stomach drop. She really hoped Nia would allow it. For once, she is invited and then she is not allowed to go. Tears start to well up, but she doesn't let them fall. She wants to be capable of controlling her emotions. Moreover, she wants to be in control._

_"I didn't forget about it, but I already know how to play it flawless," Lexa defends herself, still a bit hopeful that she can go._

_Nia chuckles cruelly. "Play it flawless. What I heard last night was far from flawless. It actually sounded like you were a hopeless beginner."_

_She says it so casually that it doesn't even sound as if she isn't insulting Lexa. Lexa only nods. It isn't the first time their conversation ended with an insult from her grandmother. Lexa feels a burning in her veins and she just feels so angry. Angry about her grandparents always dictating her life and always feeling like an outsider. She wants to offend her grandmother. Just once. So she knows how Lexa feels during their conversations. Just once._

_She doesn't say anything._

_She doesn't even go to the sleepover. On Monday, she hears all about it. A cold feeling takes place in her heart and never really leaves._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is seated at the table with all her friends around her. They are celebrating Thanksgiving together like they had planned, but Clarke isn't really focused on the conversation around her. She is already thinking about the weekend. The plan is to move her furniture and other stuff from the storage to her new apartment. However, the walls still aren't painted. Clarke had time to paint, but she hadn't asked one of her friends to help her. She is waiting for the right moment to ask someone in particular, but she starts to think the right time to ask Lexa is never going to come.

Thinking about Lexa, she realizes something. Lincoln is with them. Her thoughts go back to the dinner they had a few weeks ago where Lincoln told them about his plans for Thanksgiving, which sure involved Lexa.

"Lincoln," Clarke speaks up. She has been so silent that everyone looks at her in surprise as if they had forgotten she was even there. Clarke feels a slight blush creeping up her cheeks. "Didn't you have plans with Anya and Lexa?"

Clarke deliberately says Anya's name first so she doesn't raise any suspicion.

"Yes," Lincoln answers. If he is surprised by her question, he doesn't show it. His familiar friendly smile is on his face. "But Anya got sick, so we cancelled. Thanksgiving without Anya isn't really any fun."

Raven snorts. "I can imagine."

Her comment goes ignored. Everyone continues with their conversation and with eating the amazing dinner Octavia and Raven had prepared. Clarke, however, is still lost in her thoughts. She thinks about Lexa sitting alone in her studio, celebrating Thanksgiving alone. It makes her heart clench. In that moment, she makes a decision.

Clarke pretends to look at her phone as if she received a text message. "Guys, I'm so sorry, but I have to go. Some family drama," she lies, even though she never ever wanted to lie to her friends.

Everyone looks at her with surprise on their faces again. "Everything okay?" Octavia asks worried and it makes lying so much harder, but she has to. They would never understand her real reason. Hell, she herself doesn't even understand it.

"Yeah, mom is just stressed out," Clarke continues lying and it makes a bad feeling spread through her body. Before she can get any more questions, Clarke races to the kitchen and grabs lunch box and puts the first dish she can find in it.

She leaves with a flutter of excitement about seeing Lexa again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Didn't it come up in that stupid head of yours that I would rather be alone than spend Thanksgiving with you?" Lexa asks with a bored tone and Clarke get a glimpse of the old Lexa again. The Lexa who rolls her eyes and makes mean comments with an expressionless face. It's not the Lexa who, for some reason, always let her stay without even needing an explanation. Clarke doesn't want this Lexa.

"Yes, but I also thought about how you would prefer any company over being alone," she replies with a friendly tone, trying to keep the conversation light in order to snap Lexa out of whatever mood she is in.

It appears to work, because Clarke notices how the tension in her shoulder starts to disappear and how she doesn't clench her jaw as hard as before.

"I thought you had your own apartment now?" Lexa asks, still not letting her in.

Clarke frowns. "I do. I'm not here because I need a place to sleep. I'm here because I heard you were alone and I wanted to spend some time with you."

"So you're here because you pity me?" Lexa asks offended.

Clarks does everything to stop herself from rolling her eyes at Lexa. "Is it so hard to believe that I like spending time with you?"

"Yes."

Lexa's answer hurts. Clarke thought it was clear that somehow they enjoy each other's company. At least, she thought Lexa enjoyed it as much as she did, but clearly it is different for her. Maybe Lexa is just really a friendly person who lets anyone stay over at her studio, which is hard to imagine, but it is possible. Her insecurity makes Clarke lower her head and she is already starting to turn around to leave when Lexa speaks up again.

"I just want to know why?"

Clarke's eyes snap up again and she sees how Lexa's face has returned to the face she has come to know. No more stoic façade. Of course, it's still hard to read her, but it is something.

"Why what?" Clarke asks confused.

Lexa shrugs, also seeming to be insecure about where this conversation is going and how it is going to end. "Why would you want to spend time here instead of with your friends?"

Clarke can't help but feel sorry for Lexa. Her insecurities are showing and it is almost adorable. She probably feels rejected by Lincoln, but told him to spend Thanksgiving with Octavia anyway. It is really admirable and Clarke can feel her heart starting to beat faster. The blush on Lexa's cheeks and the embarrassed smile on her face isn't really helping either.

"Because, like I said, I like spending time with you."

Lexa clearly doesn't know how to react to that, so she stays silent.

"Did I pass the interrogation and can come in now?" Clarke jokes, but silently hopes Lexa finally lets her in. She didn't intend to spend her whole day staying in the hallway of Lexa's studio trying to convince her to let her in.

"Sure," Lexa mumbles before opening the door so Clarke can enter.

Clarke stands in the middle of the apartment with the box with food in her hands. She has no idea what to do with it of what do to with herself. If only she had thought about what she would actually do at Lexa's and not just go there in a sudden urge to be with her.

"I brought food," Clarke says while holding up the box to show to Lexa when she sat down in the office chair and twirled around to look at her.

Lexa seems to snap out of whatever trance she was in and suddenly the awkward tension disappears completely. "I will heat it up." She stands up and takes the box from Clarke.

Clarke watches how Lexa starts heating up the food. Lexa's hair is hanging loose and it is very curly, which tells her that Lexa didn't expect to see someone today. Over the last few weeks Clarke has learnt that Lexa always tries to tame those curls when she intends to leave the apartment or when someone is coming over. The only times she is able to see those curls is when she wakes up in the morning after staying over and Lexa has yet to fully wake up and get ready. Clarke knows Lexa doesn't want to hear it, but she looks cute with those curls.

In that moment, Clarke decides the right moment is never going to come, so she just asks. "Do you have time this weekend to help me paint?" she blurts out.

Lexa turns around and arches an eyebrow at her.

"Don't think I forgot your offer, Woods," Clarke teases her, already seeing in Lexa's eyes that she will agree.

"I wouldn't exactly call it an offer. More of an imposed and involuntary choice," Lexa shrugs while she starts filling two plates with the food she just heated up.

Clarke chuckles before starting to set the table without Lexa even asking her to. "Well, then I order you to help me paint this weekend."

"Nobody can order me around," Lexa says proudly.

Clarke opens the drawer to grab some cutlery when Lexa turns around. They are standing so close together that Lexa can barely manage to hold on to the plate.

A brief flash of fear wells up in Clarke. She is afraid that Lexa will snap at her and that the comfortable atmosphere that they have created will vanish.

It doesn't happen.

Lexa places the plate on the counter. She turns back to Clarke with a look that she can't really place. Her pupils are wide and there is something dancing in her eyes. Something close to lust, but Clarke doesn't want to get her hope up. She lowers her eyes, so she doesn't have to see Lexa look at her like that, but it is a mistake. Clarke's eyes fall on Lexa's lips and they have never looked so plump before and Clarke can only think about how they would feel.

"Why do you think you can order me around?" Lexa snaps her out of her daze. Clarke doesn't remove her eyes from Lexa's lips.

"Because I can," Clarke remarks smugly, although her attitude quickly starts to disappear when Lexa begins to back her up.

"No, you cannot," she says with a husky voice. She sets a step forward and Clarke backs up until Clarke is pushed against the door. Clarke's heart beats so fast that she is sure that Lexa can hear it. It is just a few inches and then she can finally feel those lips on her own.

Clarke starts to smirk and a wave of confusion washes over Lexa's face. "I wouldn't be so sure about that," Clarke whispers and with a sudden movement she grabs Lexa's hips and turns them around so Lexa is trapped against the door and Clarke is in control. She expects Lexa to take over again, but she doesn't. Lexa can only look at Clarke with a look of pure admiration and it startles Clarke, but she doesn't waver. She can think about that later. Right now she only wants one thing.

She moves closer and just when her lips are about to touch Lexa's, there is a knock on the door. It makes them realize what they are doing and Clarke jumps away. First, Lexa looks disappointed, but that quickly turns into something different. Clarke can't really see if it's confusion or regret. Lexa returns her expression to emotionless and a heavy disappointment takes place in Clarke's stomach.

"Who is that?" Clarke asks Lexa softly so that the person on the other side of the door can't hear them.

Lexa just shrugs. "I don't know."

"Well, what do we do?" Clarke asks a bit panicked. What if Lincoln and Octavia are standing on the other side of the door? There is no way they won't see her when the door opens.

"What do you mean? I'm going to open the door," Lexa bites back, already turning around.

Clarke's panic is only growing. Sure, she likes Lexa, but her friends don't need to know that. She won't ever live it down. Octavia would maybe be mature enough to just let her be for Lincoln's sake too, but Raven is a completely different story. Her dislike of Lexa isn't really a secret and she lets them know every chance she gets. Clarke feels like a teenager again, who wants everyone to like her. It's a bit pathetic to think like that at her age. She can admit that, but it doesn't stop her from feeling that way.

Lexa waits before opening the door to look at Clarke with a raised eyebrow. "It's probably Lincoln. Maybe Octavia is with him," she says knowingly.

Her panic has turned into despair. Either she offends Lexa or her friends find out she has been spending time with Lexa. Of course, there is still a chance that it is someone she doesn't know, but Clarke knows that is nearly impossible. Somehow, their group of friends is so interwoven that Octavia and Raven will find out.

"Is that a problem?" Lexa asks, clearly giving Clarke an ultimatum.

Clarke has no idea what to do. She is too confused to make a decision. Their almost kiss keeps repeating in her head and Clarke just wants to think about everything before doing something, so she remains silent, which is enough of an answer for Lexa.

"You can hide in the bathroom, I will send them away," she says, still no emotion in her voice. Her eyes, however, tell something different. Her green orbs blaze with anger and hurt.

Clarke smiles gratefully, which Lexa obviously doesn't return. With Lexa's eyes still on her, Clarke sneaks into the bathroom and closes the door. She leans against it, so she is still able to listen the conversation.

"Lincoln, hi," Lexa greets him monotonous. If Clarke wasn't so anxious, she would admire Lexa for hiding her feelings so well. It's almost remarkable.

"Can I come in?" Clarke hears Lincoln's muffled voice ask.

"No, I was just leaving," Lexa tells him and Clarke lets out a relieved huff of air. She was afraid that Lexa would let him in, just to punish her.

It is silent for a few seconds. "Oh," Lincoln finally says. "Where were you going?"

"Gustus."

Lexa's answer is short and she clearly tries to get rid of him.

Clarke's heart is beating out of her chest. It feels as if her mother almost walked in on them having sex. She's only at Lexa's apartment to make sure that she isn't alone on Thanksgiving. It's nothing scandalous. Clarke hates herself for making this a bigger deal than it is and by doing so, she even hurt Lexa. Just when she is thinking about leaving the bathroom and making her presence known to Lincoln, Lexa speaks up.

"We can go together if you want."

It's followed by the sound of someone grabbing a set of keys. Clarke hears muffled footsteps before the door falls closed. Lexa has left, leaving Clarke alone in her apartment. Again, actually.

Clarke puts her head in her hands and glides down the bathroom door, so she is sitting on the cold and uncomfortable floor. She, however, doesn't stand up. It's what she deserves. She cared too much about what her friends would think to even consider how much her reaction would hurt Lexa, who's been there for her the past few months without asking questions.

Clarke has no idea how long she sits on the ground, drowning in her own regret, when her position becomes too uncomfortable to endure and she has to stand up. She leaves the bathroom and grabs her jacket.

"I'm sorry," Clarke whispers before leaving Lexa's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love angst too much to make this a fluffy story ;)
> 
> Let me know if you liked this chapter or not by leaving a comment! 
> 
> I like it when writers post a new chapter regularly, so I will try to do so myself by updating every Sunday. Or at least some day in the weekend. If my schedule gets less crazy, there might be some surprise chapters during the week :)
> 
> xxx


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